The day the earth stood still

Guest Post by Not Sure (aka Shawn F.)

(a compilation of doomsday scenarios, compressed into one day)

August 12, 2017* began with the sound of small arms fire, across many major cities across America. The sleeper cells finally woke up to deliver their deadly message. But just as their message of death was being proclaimed, a wave of fear gripped their hearts as they looked up, not to Allah, but to the remnants of planet Nirubu, as large chunks of space rock fell upon their heads.

This really pissed off the Alien horde, who were at that very moment descending upon the UN, to deliver their message of “we come in peace”; to be translated by their human ambassador, the Pope. Unbeknown to the herd of humans, the true motive of the alien visit was to secure a new cocktail they have come to enjoy in their leisure hours that primarily consisted of grey matter, mixed in with a puree of pineapple and strawberry, delivered with a festive umbrella.

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The aliens looked on sadly, as they began to see their bountiful harvest decimated by the solar CME as well as the global earthquakes that were all instigated by the sudden appearance of Nirubu. The result of this planetary calamity was the barbequing of earths inhabitants in radiation, as well as splitting the United States in half; ultimately wiping out 90% of the population.

Needless to say, the stocks took a tumble with all this bad news, but rebounded late in the afternoon when it was announced that the infrastructure bill presented by president Trump to repair the damage caused by the planet Nirubu, the solar CME, earthquakes and the alien invasion was approved. Oh, by the way, the president fired the Pope, and pressed the doomsday button, as our military couldn’t tell if the other nuclear powers were launching amid all the chaos. And finally, our sponsors recommend it is best to invest in precious metals, just in case it gets any worse.

*Date chosen randomly (as apparently, the Mayan calendar stopped years ago); don’t even try…