CALIFORNIA—According to multiple sources close to the Most High, the Almighty is still trying to shake some sense into California, not yet having written off the state as a lost cause.
“God figures if He can just give them a little rattling every now and then, maybe California can be spared,” said one angelic messenger. “He is slow in anger and rich in mercy, not wanting any Californians to perish despite their best efforts to tick him off.”
Sources claim God is going to hit California with a few warning quakes for the next few weeks, hoping that the state will repent of its crazy anti-God agenda before He’s forced to smack ’em with “the Big One.” The Lord reportedly has quakes lined up for areas like Hollywood, Los Angeles, Sacramento, San Francisco, Berkeley, and Santa Barbara as soon as next week, should Californians not turn from their wacky ways and back to Jesus.
At publishing time, God had resigned Himself to the fact that He would have to sink California into the Pacific Ocean.
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So it makes sense to hit the po’ white people in Trona first, right? They must be God’s chosen. Repent, squirrel boy!
Maybe He knows that if they die in the quake they’re going to heaven.
There hard working white folks, they don’t deserve the Commiefornia appellation. The desert air and lime in the water makes them old before their time. There skin dries on the bone, the women look like they came from the dustbowl era. There apt to have several teeth missing, dentists in the desert have an office in several desert towns or they fly in from Arizona. Medical care is similar; the closest hospital is in Lancaster or maybe Barstow.
Much like this I suspect.
Your jealous, typewriter head.
So Babylon Bee knows enough to quote/paraphrase Scripture and yet … it is still a joke? How righteous will God inevitable and actual judgement be…. not talking about earthquakes either.
You must not be aware that judgment is rough but we rely on his mercy.
“How righteous will God inevitable and actual judgement be….”
We ain’t gonna be here brother. Christ took that judgement so we wouldn’t have to. Amen!
1 Thessalonians 5:9-10 KJB… “For God hath not appointed us to wrath, but to obtain salvation by our Lord Jesus Christ, Who died for us, that, whether we wake or sleep, we should live together with him.”
While it is true that the LORD GOD is tiring of mankind’s errant ways.The very suspicious nature of these quakes raises questions. Right at A DUMB location ? Synthetic man caused??
We get quakes here more often than elsewhere. Quakes love the desert.
“Synthetic man caused??”
I’d entertain that idea…
San Francisco/Silicon Valley, West Hollywood, Laguna Beach, and Palm Springs all deserve the full Sodom and Gomorrah treatment.
Maybe just some locusts or frogs for now. The fire and brimstone can always come later.
How about a shit storm? They’ll wake up to shit 2′ deep in some places.
sure… which is why this article is fuckin dumb… because the epicenter is wrecking a town that is absolutely nothing like those urban disasters