Gavin Newsom Assures Californians Wildfires Are ‘Mostly Peaceful’

Via The Babylon Bee

SACRAMENTO, CA—While many Californians are growing increasingly worried about the wildfires spreading throughout the state, Governor Gavin Newsom assured everyone that the fires are actually “mostly peaceful.”

“The fires are mostly peaceful, mostly calm — nothing to worry about,” Newsom said as the fires burned through thousands of acres of forest behind him. “They are peaceful infernos and will definitely not burn your house down or anything. We’re fine here, everything’s fine here. How are you?”

Newsom also pointed out that fires were here before humans, and so in a way, we stole the land from fires, and the indigenous infernos are just taking the reparations they are due. “If a peaceful fire approaches your home, do not fight back. That would be racist. Allow it to consume your home — peacefully, of course — if you are a true ally of indigenous peoples everywhere.”

“Just remember — this is fine.”

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4 Comments
Neuday
Neuday
August 26, 2020 10:24 am

No fire ever called me a Cracker.

Anonymous
Anonymous
August 26, 2020 10:47 am

Except the ones Trump set.

Anonymous
Anonymous
August 26, 2020 11:35 am

…what if your’re in a NBA uniform and you’re a black dude calling a white dude a “bitch-ass white boy”..who gets fried from the angry fire first…?

john
john
August 26, 2020 11:49 am

Might a well cancell my homes fire insurance.