14 Mostly Accurate CNN Headlines From The Last 6,000 Years Of Human History

Via The Babylon Bee

CNN has been there from the beginning, always running toward the important stories and absolutely never covering them up. We went through CNN’s archives and dug up these 14 headlines they published while covering some of the most significant events of human history. They are truly a bastion of truth and honesty in journalism.

2348 BC: Watery But Mostly Peaceful Flood Destroys Earth

1025 BC: David Circumcises 200 Philistines In Mostly Painless Medical Procedure

33 AD: Mostly Peaceful Crowd Demands Jesus Be Crucified

79 AD: Fiery But Mostly Dormant Mount Vesuvius Erupts

1235 AD: Genghis Khan Attacks China In Mostly Pacifist Invasion

1347 AD: Black Death Peacefully Kills Millions, Trump To Blame

1453 AD: Constantinople Liberated By Religion Of Mostly Peace

1937 AD: Hindenburg Has Mostly Pleasant Flight

1945 AD: America Drops Two Mostly Peaceful Nuclear Bombs On Japan

1959 AD: Chinese Citizens Mostly Don’t Starve To Death In Great Famine

1986 AD: USSR Reactor At Chernobyl Mostly Not Exploded

1997 AD: McDonald’s Unveils Mostly Functional McFlurry Machine

2008 AD: Obama Runs Mostly Scandal-Free Administration

2017 AD: The Last Jedi Mostly Not A Terrible Movie

Great job, CNN!

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7 Comments
ConcernedCitizen
ConcernedCitizen
August 31, 2020 7:40 am

Other then the unpleasantries of the evening, how was the play Mrs. Lincoln?

Mushroom Cloud the ADD packrat
Mushroom Cloud the ADD packrat
  ConcernedCitizen
August 31, 2020 12:42 pm

Meh, Emperor Abe got what he deserved. Hopefully

anarchyst
anarchyst
August 31, 2020 8:20 am

The “Jew York Times” was no better, hiding the jewish bolshevik Russian revolution and the Ukrainian Holodomor, insisting that “there was nothing to see here” while promoting the jewish holohoax from the 1960s on…

Steve
Steve
August 31, 2020 9:01 am

CNN….The Pravda of US reporting

MrLiberty
MrLiberty
  Steve
August 31, 2020 9:50 am

But at least the entire Russian population realized that Pravda was 100% lies. THAT is the big difference. People actually still believe CNN, MSNBC, etc.

Auntie Kriest
Auntie Kriest
August 31, 2020 9:59 am

“1945 AD: America Drops Two Mostly Peaceful Nuclear Bombs On Japan”

Auntie’s favourite.

Austrian Peter
Austrian Peter
  Auntie Kriest
August 31, 2020 3:27 pm

…….and saving mostly millions of Japanese lives! Lesson: Always sell the ‘benefits’ never the ‘features and advantages’. Mr. Xerox knows what he’s doing!

AP’s favourite.