WASHINGTON, D.C.—Sources at the Capitol confirmed today that a significant brouhaha broke out between Representative Alexandria Ocasio-Cortez and Senator Ted Cruz.
The incident occurred as Ocasio-Cortez was walking out of the Capitol Building and passed by Cruz, who smiled and shot her a set of cool-guy finger guns. “Howdy, AOC! How’s my favorite socialist rep? Haha, just playin’ with ya, kid.”
“Help! I’ve been shot in a violent attack!” she screamed as Ted Cruz gave her the customary Texas greeting of finger guns. She flopped to the ground and began going into convulsions. “The violence! The horror! He’s trying to have me murdered! ATTEMPTED MURDER! I AM IN NO WAY EXAGGERATING THIS SITUATION FOR ATTENTION!”
“COME AND SEE THE VIOLENCE INHERENT IN THE SYSTEM!” Ocasio-Cortez then exploded a ketchup packet she keeps on hand for these occasions, screaming, “THE BLOOD! SO MUCH BLOOD! GOODBYE, CRUEL WORLD FILLED WITH COUNTLESS SYSTEMIC OPPRESSIONS!”
Capitol security rushed over and caught Cruz red-handed holding the finger guns. After a brief struggle and lots of sawing, they were able to disarm him. Ocasio-Cortez then popped up and walked into the building, whistling John Lennon’s “Imagine.”
At publishing time, Mitch McConnell had held the door open for Ocasio-Cortez, prompting her to scream that she was being sexually assaulted.
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That was funny!
I quick glanced and saw the headline — “I’ve been shot! Screams AOC”, and for a brief moment in time … three, maybe four seconds … ol’ Stucky was the happiest fucker on the planet. Yup.
But, alas, it’s just a Babylon Bee article. Damn You, Babylon Bee!!!
Bitch, when we want you dead, you’ll know it. Kidding. Seriously, though, yesterday independent journalist Michael Tracey and snarkmeister enraged the wokesters by tweeting about AOC being a drama queen and calling into question her recent, conveniently-timed assertion that she’d been sexually assaulted. Newsweek – which apparently still exists – did a story about the brouhaha. “It’s not that I’m batshit crazy. It’s that I’m suffering from PTSD on account of having been sexually assaulted.” Of course these days, sexual assault can be anything. It’s not like the good old days, when sexual assault was sexual assault. If there wasn’t penetration, I’d call it more like sexual appreciation. Anyway Tracy’s work is about 10% journalism and 90% smart-assery. Which means he’s 100% more journalist than most journalists. He’s a single, childless, unkempt, overweight slob who lives in an apartment in New Jersey. In other words, he’s free and doesn’t give one single shit about pissing off lunatics, who yesterday included “Charlotte Clymer” – a leftist trans woman.
You get what you pay for; that’s why Newsweek sold for one dollar in 2010, even then the buyer overpaid.
And now it comes out she was not even in the capitol building on the day of the “erection”….