SEATTLE, WA — Liberal man Jonathan Seymour passed away, dying on the toilet as he awaited instructions from the Center for Disease Control on how to wipe his own butt.
“I kept telling him to just go for it,” said housemate Ronald Mills. “Jonathan just wouldn’t take the risk.”
Officials say Mr. Seymour became severely dehydrated as he refused to move from the toilet for either food or water. “What am I supposed to do??” cried Mr. Seymour, desperate for guidance. “I can’t to do this alone! Front to back? Back to front? Folded or unfolded? How many squares? Speak to me, Fauci!”
Sadly, bereft of instruction from the CDC, Mr. Seymour remained on the commode until his untimely passing. “It’s really tragic,” said Mr. Mills. “No one should ever die because they don’t know how to wipe. I promise you this, I will not rest until the CDC issues guidance on how a person is supposed to wipe their butt. If I can save just one person from dying on the toilet, it feels like Jonathan’s death will have meant something.”
At publishing time, a nearby liberal woman had reportedly passed away while awaiting CDC guidance on what to do after exhaling.
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CDC mandates portable energy efficient bidets in all toilets on American soil.
Or we could all just wear adult diapers — like Joe “My Butt’s Been Wiped” Biden!
They should just give them a pint of water and a recirc pump. They are allowed to change it out once a month ONLY if they have spit into a cup with enough fresh fluids to replenish those being disposed of in their dooky cup.
They already have a Bidet – he is the fraudulent president.
CDC mandates JC Penney and what is left of Sears to send catalogs to every address in US at least anusally.
CDC sends out wipe instructions in 18 different languages. Make up your own jokes…..Hu Do Crap…Etc.
Knock on the door….CDC officials ask Jerry…..Arrrrggghhhhh……
PS He wouldn’t type arrrrrrggghhhhh,………….
I thought the Babylon bee was satire.
What happened?
Liberals are so full of shit that wiping is pointless…just look at the San Francisco sidewalks.
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https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tsY5LqPNkfo
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https://www.google.com/search?sca_esv=560391173&q=south+park+reverse+cowgirl&tbm=vid&source=lnms&sa=X&ved=2ahUKEwjWo8z0v_uAAxXtlYkEHWeDBroQ0pQJegQICxAB&biw=1163&bih=512&dpr=1.65
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https://www.google.com/search?q=south+park+toilet+safety&sca_esv=560391173&biw=1163&bih=512&tbm=vid&ei=m43qZNuDLuOkiLMPvqmOqAU&ved=0ahUKEwibvZf6v_uAAxVjEmIAHb6UA1UQ4dUDCA0&uact=5&oq=south+park+toilet+safety&gs_lp=Eg1nd3Mtd2l6LXZpZGVvIhhzb3V0aCBwYXJrIHRvaWxldCBzYWZldHkyBRAAGIAEMgUQABiABDIFEAAYgAQyBhAAGBYYHjIGEAAYFhgeMgYQABgWGB4yCBAAGIoFGIYDMggQABiKBRiGAzIIEAAYigUYhgMyCBAAGIoFGIYDSOoyUABYqy9wAHgAkAEAmAFHoAGEB6oBAjE1uAEDyAEA-AEBwgIHEAAYigUYQ8ICCBAAGIAEGLEDwgILEAAYgAQYsQMYgwHCAggQABiKBRiRAsICCxAAGIoFGLEDGJECiAYB&sclient=gws-wiz-video
Methinks the name is not correct. The guy’s name was a little bastard jew named Seymour Fanny.
Good one. Too funny. That same liberal guy also fervently believed in the global warming hoax!
The part of this that isn’t funny. A doctor once told me it wasn’t that unusual for people to die while on the toilet. Forcing what should come naturally puts unnecessary strain on the body which causes stokes and heart attacks.
Correct.
Zuckerface walks by the bathroom window, opens it, and says, “Just checking to make sure you aren’t violating community standards!”
I call complete BS on this story. Liberals don’t use toilets, they shit on other people. And…they don’t wipe.
CDC sez wipe front to back or your genitals will smell like shit.
Great! The more of these liberal morons pass away, the better.
They wipe? I read that rusty trombones/Sanchez was one of their whole sacraments.