I don’t want to hear any whining about this being a “fluff” piece that has no right to be on this site. This is not like my Horse Fucking article. Rather, this is a VERY serious piece of writing, because it’s about …. YOU. Statistically, 99% of you masturbated in the past 30 days. Yes, you have!! And the only reason I say 30 days is because of the women folk. If I were to include only men, half of you masturbated in the past 30 minutes, and the rest of you in the past 30 hours. We’re talking biological facts, folks.
Strangely enough, there is no other human activity that is so universal in its appeal, while at the same time so universally condemned … and often, punished. I’m in the age group where we were warned – and this is no joke — that choking the chicken could lead to; 1) blindness, 2) hairy knuckles, 3) failing grades, and since I went to Catholic school, 4) God striking me dead at any moment.
Every goddamned morning, all the way through high school I’d check my knuckles. “Phew! I’m still safe!”. Well, until one day when I brought home an “F” in math, and I was positive my mom would know I was using my body as an amusement park. I was forty years old when I first needed glasses (really), and I thought to myself; — “Goddammit! This shit finally caught up with me!”. I stopped peeling the banana for three straight months, but the eye damage was permanent, apparently. And, I can’t tell you how many thousands of times I prayed; “Dear Jesus, thank you for not taking my life while I laid me down to sleep. I promise, I mean I really promise that I will never ever do THAT again.”. A promise that usually lasted about 30 minutes.
Continue reading “How The ANTI-MASTURBATION Movement Shaped America”
