Tag: WTF

Since the warmongering whores of both the Democrappy and Repukey party are just itching for WWIII, I thought it would be fun to look at some Not-Ready-For-Prime-Time weaponry invented by humanity’s past idiots. Enjoy.

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SUBMARINES

Neger (Germany, WWII)

First thing you need to know – easily butt-hurt politically correct people should stop reading now — is that “Neger” is German slang for “nigger”. This submarine derived its name from the fact that the Germans couldn’t even find volunteers from their mental institutions – “You want me to drive THAT thing? Nein!! Find yourself another nigger!”. Eventually they found pilots from the National Suicide Hotline.

The above picture looks like a torpedo glued to another torpedo, with a human riding in one of them. But, that’s actually a submarine … except, The Neger couldn’t actually, you know … submerge! The thing floated along like a Giant Turd while the pilot stuck inside struggled to breathe, or see.   The Neger would be positioned just slightly below the surface of the water. Waves constantly washed over the dome, making it basically impossible to see through. It was a fun boat.

Oh, it had absolutely zero navigational equipment. Neger’s pilots were instructed to bring their own watches with compasses in them and peer through the vehicle’s bubble dome to gradually steer toward enemy ships – which as already noted, was next to impossible. But wait, there’s more. Upon reaching a target, the pilots had to pull a lever to launch the Neger’s lone torpedo. Unfortunately, the release mechanism jammed more than half the time, launching the pilot for one helluva last ride to glory.

The Germans produced 200 of these suicide subs in 1944. Amazingly, they were able to destroy 5 ships in the Normandy invasion (one cruiser, one destroyer, and three minesweepers). The fatality rate for Neger pilots was 80%.

 

Aoshima I-400 (Japan, WWII)

Yes, that’s an airplane on the sub!

US warships transiting from the Atlantic to the Pacific had to pass through the Panama Canal. Admiral Yamamoto thought that this was the Achilles Heel of the US Navy. So, he had this idea. Let’s severely damage the canal and choke off US fleet deployment by sinking a bunch of American ships while they were in the canal. Hmmm, OK, so how best to accomplish that? Bombers? Sounds good. Aircraft carrier? Sounds good. Submarines? Sounds good. Then, in a moment of orgasmic ecstasy, Admiral Yamamoto thought to himself, “Hell yeah, Grasshopper! Let’s combine all three in one vessel!!”

As such, the Aoshima I-400, the Death Star of WWII, was born. It displaced 6,500 tons and was over 400 feet long, or about three times the size of ordinary submarines of the day. It had a figure-eight hull shape for additional strength to handle the on-deck hangar for housing the three Aichi M6A Seiran aircraft. In addition, it had three anti-aircraft guns and a large deck gun as well as eight torpedo tubes from which they could fire the Long Lance – the largest, longest ranged and most deadly torpedo in use at the time. It housed a 144-person crew and more guns than the state of Texas. It stored enough fuel to circle the entire globe one and a half times and totaled over 13,000 horsepower of propulsion. Woo hoo!!!

But, in the biggest dickhead management cost-saving decision in history, the Japanese decided “Who the hell needs a runway?”. They would save a lot of money if their kamikaze pilots exploded instead of landing back on the submarine. (Takeoff, a one-time event, was accomplished via an 85-foot catapult.) These super-subs never fulfilled their designed roles; it’s unclear if they actually fought at all. Two of them were captured at war’s end and eventually scuttled in US waters.

Continue reading “Pictorial Essay: 19 Weapons Of War That Make You Say “HUH???””