If I, Stucky, were made King

With all this new talk of secession … even here in Noo Joisey there is supposedly such a movement … SOMBODY will have to be Ruler Over All. It might as well be me. However, I am not running unopposed. My arch nemesis, The Mighty Quinny … rumored to be an Eskimo by birth … doggedly follows me around like the Prophet John the Baptist in the wilderness crying “Bullshit!”, to my various promises to my people the sheeple.

I promise that I will do much good, if only given the power to make things right. I will do only good things for my people, and they would love me. Fairness, justice, and security will be a right bestowed by me, upon all. “Forward!”, I say, as all will be well in the world. Here is my overall agenda;

1)- HELPING THE POOR

I say unto my people; ‘I AM The Benevolent One’. So, I will give the poor stuff to help them. Who could possibly be against helping the downtrodden? It is my belief that this is a noble thing to do and will make society better. Right?

Quinny immediately cries “Bullshit!”, and says thusly:

“Whether a King, a Parliament, a Congress, or whatever … government doesn’t create any wealth. Any wealth it has to “give away” it must first take from somebody else. As King, Stucky will have no choice but to take that wealth from you … people like llpoh. But suppose llpoh, cheap bastard that he is, doesn’t want to hand it over? Maybe llpoh wants to keep it all, or maybe he wants to give his money away to whom he chooses? What will King Stucky do about it?

“I’ll tell you. Since Stucky is King he is not going to kindly ask llpoh to fork over the dough. Anybody can just ask, and no one would have to listen. That’s not what Kings do. As King, Stucky would be COMMANDING you to fund his ideas. And those commands, if they are going to be anything more than suggestions will be backed by PUNISHMENT for those who disobey him. He has no other choice. Should he allow a disobedient follower to just ‘do his own thing’? If he does, where is his power? If you just ignore King Stucky without any consequences, then he has no power.

“So, llpoh must be punished and made an example of. Now you see that King Stucky is no longer so benevolent. He has to hurt people who don’t do things his way. He has no choice if he wants to stay in power. Whether King Stucky takes away llpoh’s house, or puts him in jail, or even executes him … llpoh must be harmed simply because he didn’t agree to have his money taken. Suddenly, being King isn’t about being caring, or benevolent, or helping … it’s now also about controlling, punishing, threatening, and hurting people.”

2)- SERVING THE COMMON GOOD

I say unto my people; ‘I AM The Great and Magnificent Builder of Things.’ I will build Public Schools so the children can get a world class education. I will build libraries and museums and zoos. I will build a great Road Systems so commerce can flow. And Hospitals to cure the sick. I will build only things that benefit the people in general. And everyone will love me and society will be better. Right?

Quinny immediately cries “Bullshit!”, and says thusly:

“Again, HOW will you pay for it? Kings don’t get castles and money by working hard. They only get those things by taxing their subjects. Every penny he spends on himself or so-called “public projects” , he first has to take from his peasants. In reality, he’s not giving you anything; he’s just spending your money for you. What if you want to spend it some other way? Well, if he lets everyone spend money their own way, he would have no power. If some peasant wants to build a bigger house or buy some land, rather than have a library, what will he do? If he does nothing and lets you get away with that, all his power is gone. Again, to remain King, he must punish those who don’t fit his agenda. Once again, he will send you to prison, or worse.

3)- ENFORCING GOOD CHOICES

I say unto my people; I have tried to be a Benevolent King by buying you things I first took from you, but you did not appreciate it. So, now I say unto you; ‘I AM The All Knowing Wise Knower Of Fruitful Living. I will provide guidelines on how to live; how much you should exercise, what you should eat, and this will improve your health and well being. Surely, you can’t complain about that. Right?

Quinny immediately cries “Bullshit!”, and says thusly:

“What a dumbass maroon. Yet again, one must ask, ‘What will the king do if a peasant doesn’t want to eat his veggies? Ask nicely? Being in charge is never ever about asking. It’s about telling and commanding. And a command isn’t a command if there are no consequences for disobedience. So the noncompliant veggies eater will have to be punished also; a fine, imprisonment, public flogging, or whatever … he must be intentionally and publically punished simply because he failed to follow the King’s advice. This goes for anything the King decrees; banning smoking, limiting the size of your coke, eating too much sugar, … such disobedience will always be punished. Disobeyers must be made an example of. Thinking for yourselves, making your own choices … actually signals the end of his Kingdom and will never be tolerated and allowed to spread.

4)- PROTECTING THE INNOCENT

I say unto my people; you are complainers and whiners one and all. A stubborn people with a heart of stone who refuse my Goodness and Generosity. What shall I do with you? I will not build you great buildings and works. I will not help you make good and health choices for living. For you only want your own way. I shall try one last thing for you ungrateful bastards. I say unto you; I AM The Protector Of The Innocent. So I will protect you from Evildoers who wish you harm. If there is any way to use Power for Good, it has to be protecting the good from the wicked. Surely, there can be no possible objection to this! Right?

Quinny immediately cries “Bullshit!”, and says thusly:

“I grow weary of saying the same old shit over and over again. No one listens. No one learns. I think I need to blow this popsicle stand and go on a baby boomer cruise.

“Follow the money, assholes!! You people once again will have no choice in funding the King’s decisions. What happens if the King’s enforcers are abusive or corrupt? What if you think the King’s view of justice is skewed? What if you think the King’s protection services aren’t worth the price? What if you want to protect yourself, or hire someone else to protect you … will the King let you do so? The King will hire Mercenaries, raise police forces and armies, and build prisons. Will you have your voice heard if you don’t like what he does? Will you be able to opt out? You already know the answer, don’t you? The King will force you to follow his interpretation of security, and once again, he will be forced to punish you at your slightest disagreement … if he wishes to remain King. And the King will punish you in the very name of defending you against thugs and thieves!! He will arrest you, to save you. Giving the King power over you always leads to threats and violence to those who won’t bend their knee.

Upon hearing Quinny’s irrefutable logic, Stucky who would be King, could only retort; “Blow me, Quinn!! And, go fuck yourself while you’re at it.” The people booed and jeered and posted nasty stuff on the internet. Colma called Stucky, a StuchenNazi. AWD posted pictures of Stucky’s massive pimpled boobs. SAH wrote a 666 word post calling Stucky a fatphuck Demonic Boomer who got his throne all sticky. Then the people did the worst thing possible to Stucky the wannabe King … they voted down all his posts. And, Stucky left TBP … for the 23rd time.

Meanwhile, Quinny’s reputation and stature grew and grew to magnificent proportions. Upon his return from the High Seas, he was met by a throng of TBPers who cried mightily; “QUINN FOR KING!! QUINN FOR KING!!”. For the people believed that HE would be The Benevolent One, who would rule over them justly and fairly. After all, he said all the right things. But, the Mighty Quinn would have none of it.

He said thusly; “Power via brute force cannot fix the world. Authoritarian control whether wielded by a King, or a so-called Democracy, or a Constitutional Republic , or one called Socialism, or any other “ism” cannot improve society. That’s because ALL such Power by its very nature is nothing more than the ability to threaten people and hurt people. Whatever my good intentions may be before taking office, I know I can’t improve society nor create peaceful civilization by threatening and hurting people. You people think human society can be made more moral, more civilized, by taking a few (or, just One) human beings and giving them permission to threaten and hurt … to forcibly rule and control everyone else. This is nuts! Authoritarian power, in any form, regardless of goals or motives , is nothing more than the addition of many rules and laws that must be enforced by punishments . The power that comes with Ruling is diametrically opposed to Liberty. Give me this Power, and I become less human. You want to fix the world? Don’t try to do it by choosing someone else. Do it yourselves. Change your own lives first. Then treat your neighbor as if he owns himself or herself … because they DO!!

“No! I will not be King. And if someone ever want to make YOU king, the best thing you can do is to say, “No Thanks”.

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Epilogue: The Federal Register is 70,000+ pages. The IRS code is 70,000+ pages. Each and every law results in yet one more way to punish you. You may not know it, but you commit at least three felonies per day. This has gotten out of hand. Do we need government? No, not really. Not even one led by Ron Paul. That’s the whole point of this retarded thread.

For further reading, see “The Most-Dangerous-Superstition”;

Author: Stucky

I'm right, you're wrong. Deal with it. View all posts by Stucky