An article appeared three days ago — “All-Nutella Restaurant Coming to New York City”. YIKES!! They MUST be stopped!!
http://time.com/3195773/nutella-restaurant/
My mom’s favorite nut (besides me) for baking is the hazelnut; various hazelnut tortes and cookies out the wazzou when I was growing up. So, it’s no surprise that my parents would return from their weekly trip from the German butcher with a jar of Nutella …. the one major crap-food screw-job they forced upon me.
Nutella was founded in Alba, Italy, in 1946 by Mr. Pietro Ferrero, a pastry maker. At the time, there was very little chocolate because cocoa was in short supply due to World War II rationing, nut hazelnuts were locally abundant. So using that as a base … plus a whole bunch of SHIT … he turned that into the best-selling sweet spread in the world.
This made him, and his offspring, the 33rd richest billionaire on earth. His grandson, also named Pietro, died at 47 years old when he fell off his bike, they say because he suffered a massive heart attack. Probably from eating his shit product … a product shittier than any McShits burger.
What’s in it? Here ya go;
Lemme translate that for ya: Nutella is 55% sugar and 15% fat.
And don’t be fooled by the “vanillin flavor”. It’s not the same as real vanilla extract you use at home. Vanilla is expensive so they use a 100% synthetic extract. This truly horrible product costs, on Amazon, seven bucks for a 13 oz jar. Are you friggin kidding me?? Seven bucks for thirteen ounces of basically sugar and fat?? Good lord!
Those dirty rotten sonsofbitches should be tried in criminal court for poisoning countless human beings, and for theft.
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But, I have a solution! Make your own! It’s fast, easy, infinitely better not only in taste, but nutritional value. As an added bonus, you can help bring down a multibillion dollar enemy of humanity.
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INGREDIENTS
— 4 oz (1 cup) hazelnuts – Roasted & blanched
— 1/2 can (8 oz) of sweetened condensed milk
— 4 oz dark chocolate (70% cocoa)
— 4 tablespoons honey
— 1/2 teaspoon pure vanilla extract
DIRECTIONS
1. Toast the hazelnuts in the oven at 350F for 4 minutes.
2. Pulse the toasted hazelnut for about 3 minutes, until they are very finely ground. Scrape down the sides and the blade and process until there are no lumps remaining. Then, continue processing until it becomes a paste.
3. Melt the chocolate, condensed milk, and honey. I do this quickly via a stove top double boiler. Add the vanilla. (You can do this in the microwave, but be careful. Cooking to long and your microwave will be splattered.)
4. Add the above chocolate mix to the nut paste in the food processor, and mix briefly until well combined.
Note: Lots of flexibility in this recipe as you can increase or decrease each of the ingredients to your liking.
That’s all there’s too it. The taste is phenomenal. If you like hazelnuts you will love this, and you will never ever be able to even stomach Nutella again.
Now go grab your nuts and try it out.
stucky,
personally i never liked the stuff, always preferred peanut butter but when I was in Germany last year people spread it liberally on their breads.
its good to know the TBP FEMA camp will have a highly competent chef amongst it ranks with you present to keep our bellies full.
My Grandpa had about a dozen filbert trees. (That is what we call hazel nuts). He would harvest bags upon bags of them every year and then meticulously spend all winter inspecting every nut for worm holes. I can remember him every evening when we would visit, sitting in his lazy boy going thru a bag or two of nuts. It became a running joke in our family on how we would get out of there without having 2 or 3 grocery bags of nuts foisted on us.
Those nuts were delicious, and for 30 years I was spoiled by how easy they were to come by. Now that my Grandpa is gone, the house with all the filbert trees is sold. I am sure the trees have already been cut down. It was just a few years ago that I noticed the price of these nuts in the store, damn expensive, and with the fact that each and every one of ours were inspected by hand by my Grandpa made them priceless.
I still have 2 bags in the garage that I have saved since my Grandpa died. I am going to crack open a cup or two today and give this recipe a try. Thanks for the recipe and some good memories Stucky.
Two things:
1) You can probably grow your own hazelnuts in your backyard/doomstead. BTW Stucky, did you see my comment on growing figs in NJ?
2) If you like sunflowers seeds you need to get your ass to Traders Joe’s and buy a jar of sunflower butter! It’s a thousand times better than Nutella! (I never liked that crap.)
Stuck,
I don’t eat stuff like that, but as ingredients go, Nutella is not that bad. You have the skinny on good food, fix it at home. When you buy the best ingredients and put your effort into it, you can make wonderful food at home.
“BTW Stucky, did you see my comment on growing figs in NJ?” ——–I_S
No, I missed it. Where was it posted?
One Sunflower butter is in the fridge ….. two are in the pantry. Every now and the TJ will sell Almond Butter for $5.
” …. but as ingredients go, Nutella is not that bad. ” ———–Welshman
If 70% sugar and fat isn’t “that bad” ….. then what is??
Aw, ya done it now Stucky….
You had to go and fuck with the one thing we go out of our way to buy… we love that shit. Yeah, of course it’s bad for you. Yeah, of course it’s loaded with fat and sugar… so?
Look at it this way – during a SHTF episode – which we all agree is going to go down sometime soon – you’re going to need increased caloric intake just to make it day to day. Protein builds muscles, but the raw fuels your body needs to keep going are fats and sugars.
I think you’re just pissed off you didn’t think of it first… and face it – you also enjoy the hell out of it, just like us Herms down here – but you’re also pissed off that it costs so damn much…
Willing to make you a bet that it’s not Nutella charging that much. Nutella is only a couple Euros a jar in Germany. That’s for the BIG jar. Importing it is pricey because of the tariffs we slap on it on this end. If it cost only half as much, you wouldn’t bitch about it half as much…
By the way – Costco has the BIG jars of Nutella in a double pack for 10 bucks. That’s 5 bucks apiece for the big jars.
Don’t declare war on Nutella… it’s one of the few things that bring me any pleasure in this world. If it’s bad for me, well, then if I eat it then then results are totally on me. PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY bro… ain’t gonna blame anyone for me drinking whiskey or smoking the occasional cigarette or eating pork chops or Nutella…
But thanks for the recipe anyways. I’ll file it away under “Shit to make at the end of the world”….
I’m not sure what post it was on but you mentioned you were going to miss eating fresh figs when it all falls apart. Growing figs in NJ won’t be the easiest thing to do but with rich enough soil, plenty of deep mulch and perhaps planting them under other trees you can do it. I’d plant three or four trees in as protected an area as you can like close to your house, out of the wind. Protecting the branches from freezing seems to be the key to success.
In my same comment I asked if you grow a garden. I’m not sure If I’ve ever heard you post about gardening.
As far as Nutella ingredients go that is a pretty innocuous list. Sugar is bad but fat being billed as bad by the govt is bullshit. Remember when they declared war on heart disease in the 70’s and made fat the enemy? Why is heart disease still as prevalent today? Fat, especially natural fats including animal are not bad for you.
A bad list of ingredients would be a dozen things you cannot pronounce plus a bunch of crap your cave man ancestors would never have encountered in their lives.
Stuckmaster,
I produced food for 25 years for the food industry, let me tell you, Nutella is wholesome compared to some of the shit I have packaged for human beings to consume.
I_S
Yes, there are good fats (coconut, olive, avocado, fat in nuts, animal fats, etc), and there are bad fats. I have a feeling Nutella uses shit fats.
We have a pretty small yard …. with big trees, so very little direct sunlight, and the soil ain’t no good … can hardly keep flowers alive. Fig trees are out of the question.
I did buy 5 large clay pots and planted herbs … parsley, 2 types of basil, rosemary, mint. They are doing great, and it was fun. What I know about gardening could fill two paragraphs, maybe, so that’s why I don’t have much to say about it. Someday I would LOVE to have a significant garden patch.
“Nutella is wholesome compared to some of the shit I have packaged …” —- Welshman
Wow. That’s S-C-A-R-Y. No wonder Americans are so unhealthy.
Clearly we need to lobby goobermint to create a law to outlaw Nutella.
Please send me millions of dollars to fight this obese causing atrocity.
That’s PO box 7734 Washingscum DC.
Also cigarettes are bad. I will need billions to fight this industry.
Send your donations to Raipem N. Howe
PO Box 666. Wealthensum DC
Also we are taking volunteers, to do the actual work, to help in our endeavor.
Apply today patriots!
Stucky, go to http://www.backtoedenfilm.com and scroll to the bottom of the page and watch the film. HSF posted that link sometime back. I had started to do something similar before two years of summertime surgery set me back but I was using straw instead. I did it mostly for weed prevention and moisture control. I have never been happy with my soil either no matter how much work I put into it but I noticed something this spring after my beds lay fallow for two years and watching that film a month or so ago put it all in perspective. After two years of being covered with straw my soil is amazing! What little we planted this year is doing better than I have ever seen it. No joke! When I walked in the beds to turn them over this spring I expected them to be hard like usual but instead I sank a couple of inches and the soil was loose, soft and moist.
This year I’ve covered all my garden beds plus 1000 sq ft of side yard with wood chips. Out front where I had intended to place gravel or bark for low maintenance also got the woodchip treatment. Because I’m never satisfied with single sources of info on a subject I’ve been reading about the woodchip/mulching idea quite a bit since HSF posted that link. It’s actually an old method known also as layered gardening or lasagna gardening. Wood chips seems like a better idea than using straw or other mulches because trees are long living and store large amounts of minerals and elements that have been depleted from our soil through intensive farming. As the wood chips decay it makes sense that they would replace these elements.
In my reading I’ve learned that many of the things we hold as “true” with respect to gardening is bullshit. Things like crop rotation and growing in full sun etc are not required at all if your soil is right. Makes sense regarding sunlight too. Just because a plant grows in partial shade does not mean that it does not receive the full spectrum of light. Some plants may not grow as big and lush as they would in full sun but with the right soil they still produce loads of fruit.
You might consider removing a couple of your trees to bring in more light and have them chipped right there to provide the basis for that garden you’d love to have. If you already have big trees you might be able to get figs to grow under them with the right soil. A big tree with no leaves will help insulate the fig trees from freezing.
I know you’re busy but watching that film will open your eyes. The only nit I have to pick with it is what he has to say about fertilizer. The film (unintentionally) plays down the need for fertilizer but he is clearly adding compost to his garden beds that comes from his chickens. I’m still waiting for two more trucks of wood chips to be delivered to finish my garden preps for next year.
Nice story. Thanks a lot IS. I will most definitely check out that vid in the next day or so.
Well turned out pretty good I must say. Although the first words out of the kids mouth was, ” That does not taste like Nutella.”
Reminded me of this –
Sticky, Sticky, Sticky ………..
I hate the taste of hazelnuts, and I am proud to say I’ve never let this Nutella shit pass my lips. May I suggest you write your next article on this evil food. I cannot imagine how popular it will be.
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Dessert for SSS
BACON PEANUT BUTTER CUPS
It’s been a while since I dropped a bacon recipe on y’all. This is one of my absolute favorites. Enjoy.
Ingredients:
1 cup creamy peanut butter, divided
4-1/2 tsp butter, melted
1/2 c confectioner’s sugar
1/2 tsp salt
2 cups semi-sweet chocolate chips
6 Hershey’s bars, coarsely chopped
6 slices bacon, coarsely chopped
1. In a small bowl, combine 1/2 cup peanut butter, butter, confectioner’s sugar and salt until smooth. Set aside.
2. In microwave, melt chocolate chips, chopped candy bars and remaining peanut butter; stir until smooth.
3. I can NOT stress this enough. Use regular size muffin cups, we aren’t messing around here.
4. Drop a goodly spoonful of chocolate into the cups, add some crumbled bacon, top with more chocolate, then a dollop of the peanut butter, topping with more chocolate and a sprinkle of bacon while it’s still soft.
Make sure the bacon and peanut butter are away from the sides of the cups and fully encased in chocolate.
5. Refrigerate until set, store in an air-tight container. Store?! ~snort~ yeah, right.
Hmmm. Need greater impact. Here.
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One thing: nuts and legumes MUST be soaked first to remove the phytic acid. The phytic acid prevents your body from absorbing minerals so you end up with brittle bones leading to broken hips, etc.
Of course, virtually no nut or legume is pre-soaked by the convenience food makers, but sometimes you can find pre soaked nuts, flours, etc. at health food stores. Or just do it yourself.
http://www.westonaprice.org/health-topics/living-with-phytic-acid/
Billy,
I hear that this stuff called Dulce de Leche is good – if you like sweet stuff. They love it in South America. Of course, in South America they eat rats.
Stucky says:
“I have a feeling Nutella uses shit fats.”
That must come from the oily anal discharges you guys are always talking about.
“I hear that this stuff called Dulce de Leche is good – if you like sweet stuff. ” — Iska Waran
Ohmigod, if you like sweets …. you haven’t yet lived until you’ve had Dulce de Leche (literally means ‘candy of milk;) !!
Basically it’s just slowly heating sweetened milk. The chemical reaction (Maillard reaction) changes the flavor and color. Much of the water in the milk evaporates as the mix thickens …. for about a cup of finished product, you’ll need to start with a quart of whole milk.
You’ll think you died and went to heaven.
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Dulce de Leche – the long way from scratch (makes 1 cup)
1 quart whole milk
1 cup sugar (depending how sweet you want it, can increase or decrease by ¼ cup)
1/2 teaspoon kosher salt
1 vanilla bean, split
1/4 teaspoon baking soda
1– Combine the first 4 ingredients in a medium-sized saucepan.
2 — Stir the mixture over medium heat until the sugar dissolves.
3 — Take the mixture off the heat, then stir in 1/4 teaspoon baking soda (helps prevent the milk proteins from coagulating, ensuring a smoother end result.)
4 — Whisk everything until combined, then place it back over medium heat. (You want the milk to be edged in brisk bubbles, but you don’t want the whole thing to boil over.)
5 — Now comes the hardest part: the waiting. Let the milk mixture boil for approximately 1 1/2 to 2 hours, stirring occasionally. The color will begin to sneak from white to tan after an hour or so, and then will darken rapidly. At this stage, keep a wary eye — the time for eating is nigh. As the mixture darkens it will become thicker, and also nuttier.
6 — After your dulce de leche reaches your desired tone of caramel color, take it off the heat and let it cool slightly. If you want a silky smooth texture, or have some extra time on your hands, strain the thickened milk jam through a mesh colander.
7 — Transfer to a glass jar with an airtight seal. Dulce de leche will keep for up to 4 weeks.
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Dulce de Leche – the VERY easy way
Buy 3 cans of Sweetened Condensed Milk. Remove the labels. Pierce three holes in the formation of a triangle on top of can (if you don’t do this, the cans will explode). Place the can in a sauce pan and fill the sauce pan with water three-quarters of the way up the side of the can. Bring water to a simmer and keep it there for 3-4 hours or until desired consistency. For a thicker more syrup-like texture cook closer to 4 hours.
Who deleted my shiznit? Fuck all y’all white bitches.