Two cannibals are sitting and having lunch.
One looks up and says “You, know, I really hate my mother in law”
The other looks at him and goes “Well here, try the chili instead”
cantbaretowatch
September 25, 2015 11:03 am
…THE CAPTAINS LOG!!!!!
Lysander
September 25, 2015 11:27 am
A guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers. His wife says “I suppose I’ll have to spread my legs now”…..the guy says “What- you don’t have any vases?”
CA
September 25, 2015 11:48 am
When I was younger and got a hard on I couldn’t bend my cock with two hands. Now I’m older I can bend it with one hand. Am I getting stronger?
Dutchman
September 25, 2015 12:06 pm
Neegrow woman got an abortion, and crime stoppers sent her $500.
Dutchman
September 25, 2015 12:10 pm
Neegrow boy comes home from school. Tells his dad that when they took showers, he noticed he had the biggest dick in the class. His dad said: “That’s nice son. But you have to remember you’re 27 years old.”
starfcker
September 25, 2015 12:23 pm
Dutch!!! THAT’S (probably) RACIST
CrimsonAvenger
September 25, 2015 12:47 pm
Guy walks into a doctor’s office; he’s got a duck on his head. Doctor says, “Can I help you?” The duck says “Yeah, get this guy off my ass.”
CrimsonAvenger
September 25, 2015 12:48 pm
And favorite standalone punch line (I don’t even know the joke): “Rectum? Coulda killed him!”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”
It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
hardscrabble farmer
September 25, 2015 1:27 pm
Atom #1: Oh my god, I lost an electron.
Atom #2: Are you sure?
Atom#1: I’m positive.
Thaisleeze
September 25, 2015 1:35 pm
What do you call a man from Detroit in a suit?
The accused.
NickelthroweR
September 25, 2015 1:39 pm
What is the difference between a girl from the North and a girl from the South?
A girl from the North says, “yes, you can”
A girl from the South says, “yes, y’all can”
OutLookingIn
September 25, 2015 1:41 pm
Okay. Say, “Knock. Knock?”
Who’s there?
starfcker
September 25, 2015 3:05 pm
Nickel, that’s brutal
TE
September 25, 2015 3:16 pm
A bear walks into a bar, walks up to the bar, sits on a stool, and orders a beer.
“I’m sorry,” says the bartender, “but we don’t sell beer to bears.”
The bear looks around the bar, and says, “look dumbass, get me a beer or I’m going to eat one of your other patrons.”
“Look buddy, you do what you got to do, but I can’t serve beer to bears.”
The bear gets up from the stool, walks over to this 40ish past-her-prime beauty and gobbles her up to the amazement of the entire bar.
He walks back to the bar and roars, “give me a beer.”
“Look buddy, I told you, I can’t serve beer to bears, or to drug addicts.”
“Drug addicts?” says the bear.
“Yes, drug addicts,”
“I’m a bear, not a drug addict you fool!”
“Nope, you’re a drug addict too,don’t you know that that was a bar bitch you ate?” (say it out loud)
robert h siddell jr
September 25, 2015 3:38 pm
True stories.. The camera pans the crowd and stops on a couple kissing. The announcer says that’s so cute: he kissers her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls… The camera pans a football crowd in Hawaii and stops on a pretty girl; one announcer says to the other, Hay, isn’t that the girl that gave you a lei yesterday? …Base Supply clerk at some North African air field can’t find the spare tail assembly listed on the manifest of a C-47 that just arrived so he asks the Crew Chief who points to the General’s WAC Aide.
IndenturedServant
September 25, 2015 4:42 pm
Q: What’s the difference between an oyster with epilepsy and a whore with diarrhea?
A: One, you shuck between fits…………
It’s may favorite because I learned it and memorized it when I was about 8 years old. Took about a year to figure out what it meant because I saw it in Playboy’s book of dirty jokes and I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask my parents. I also like jokes that play on words.
Frosty the Snowman said hooray,
I’m agog with joy today,
and the reason of course,
a reliable source,
said the snowblower is heading this way!!
Lysander
September 25, 2015 9:50 pm
An American, an Irishman and a Scot walk into a bar and each orders a beer.
A fly lands in the American’s beer and he says “Ew, a fly! Get me another beer!”
Another fly lands in the Irishman’s beer and he flicks it out and says “Get out ya freeloader.”
Another fly lands in the Scot’s beer and he picks it up, holds it by it’s wings, and says “Spit it out ya basterd!”
EL Coyote
September 25, 2015 10:59 pm
And favorite standalone punch line (I don’t even know the joke):
Trump – Who do you think is on the other side building the fucking wall?
Sensetti
September 25, 2015 11:14 pm
Sensetti
September 25, 2015 11:18 pm
Donald Trump… the next Ronald Reagan. Everyone, let’s get on the Trump Train, “All Aboard”
Llpoh
September 26, 2015 3:18 am
Man is sitting all alone in a bar looking sad, and a stranger goes over to him and asks what’s up.
The lonely sad guy says ” Over there is Syd. He beats his wife but has friends, and all is forgiven. And there is Joe, the car thief. Everyone forgives him. And Dave over there, he has 4 DUIs, and they forgive him. But me, no-o-o, they never forgive and forget. Just fuck one goat, and you’ll see.”
Tim
September 26, 2015 6:48 am
A good mixed crowd joke:
Two workers drive into a lumberyard. One gets out of the truck and goes inside.
The man behind the counter looks at him and says, “Hep ya?”
He says, “We need some 4×2’s”.
“Do you mean 2×4’s?”
The worker looks puzzled, scratches his head and responds, “Just a minute,” goes outside, comes back in, and says, “Yes, 2×4’s. That’s what we need. 2×4’s.”
The clerk asks, “How long?”
The worker says, “Just a minute,”
He goes outside, comes back in, and says, “We’re gonna them a long time. We’re building a house.”
It’s also a flexible joke. The man can be an Okie, a Texan, an Aggie, a blond, a Polack, whatever you want. I think it’s a plus if you can do a real Southern-Fried accent for the store clerk.
Two cannibals are sitting and having lunch.
One looks up and says “You, know, I really hate my mother in law”
The other looks at him and goes “Well here, try the chili instead”
…THE CAPTAINS LOG!!!!!
A guy comes home with a bouquet of flowers. His wife says “I suppose I’ll have to spread my legs now”…..the guy says “What- you don’t have any vases?”
When I was younger and got a hard on I couldn’t bend my cock with two hands. Now I’m older I can bend it with one hand. Am I getting stronger?
Neegrow woman got an abortion, and crime stoppers sent her $500.
Neegrow boy comes home from school. Tells his dad that when they took showers, he noticed he had the biggest dick in the class. His dad said: “That’s nice son. But you have to remember you’re 27 years old.”
Dutch!!! THAT’S (probably) RACIST
Guy walks into a doctor’s office; he’s got a duck on his head. Doctor says, “Can I help you?” The duck says “Yeah, get this guy off my ass.”
And favorite standalone punch line (I don’t even know the joke): “Rectum? Coulda killed him!”
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says: ”Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen!” The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: ”The driver just insulted me!” The man says: ”You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
”Dyslexic man walks into a bra”
It’s Game 7 of the Stanley Cup Final, and a man makes his way to his seat right at center ice. He sits down, noticing that the seat next to him is empty. He leans over and asks his neighbor if someone will be sitting there. “No” says the neighbor. “The seat is empty.” “This is incredible,” said the man. “Who in their right mind would have a seat like this for the Stanley Cup and not use it?” The neighbor says, “Well, actually, the seat belongs to me. I was supposed to come with my wife, but she passed away. This is the first Stanley Cup we haven’t been to together since we got married.” “Oh, I’m so sorry to hear that. That’s terrible… But couldn’t you find someone else, a friend or relative, or even a neighbor to take the seat?” The man shakes his head. “No,” he says. “They’re all at the funeral.”
A guy enters a bar carrying an alligator. Says to the patrons, “Here’s a deal. I’ll open this alligator’s mouth and place my genitals inside. The gator will close his mouth for one minute, then open it, and I’ll remove my unit unscathed. If it works, everyone buys me drinks.” The crowd agrees. The guy drops his pants and puts his privates in the gator’s mouth. Gator closes mouth. After a minute, the guy grabs a beer bottle and bangs the gator on the top of its head. The gator opens wide, and he removes his genitals unscathed. Everyone buys him drinks. Then he says: “I’ll pay anyone $100 who’s willing to give it a try.” After a while, a hand goes up in the back of the bar. It’s a woman. “I’ll give it a try,” she says, “but you have to promise not to hit me on the head with the beer bottle.”
Atom #1: Oh my god, I lost an electron.
Atom #2: Are you sure?
Atom#1: I’m positive.
What do you call a man from Detroit in a suit?
The accused.
What is the difference between a girl from the North and a girl from the South?
A girl from the North says, “yes, you can”
A girl from the South says, “yes, y’all can”
Okay. Say, “Knock. Knock?”
Who’s there?
Nickel, that’s brutal
A bear walks into a bar, walks up to the bar, sits on a stool, and orders a beer.
“I’m sorry,” says the bartender, “but we don’t sell beer to bears.”
The bear looks around the bar, and says, “look dumbass, get me a beer or I’m going to eat one of your other patrons.”
“Look buddy, you do what you got to do, but I can’t serve beer to bears.”
The bear gets up from the stool, walks over to this 40ish past-her-prime beauty and gobbles her up to the amazement of the entire bar.
He walks back to the bar and roars, “give me a beer.”
“Look buddy, I told you, I can’t serve beer to bears, or to drug addicts.”
“Drug addicts?” says the bear.
“Yes, drug addicts,”
“I’m a bear, not a drug addict you fool!”
“Nope, you’re a drug addict too,don’t you know that that was a bar bitch you ate?” (say it out loud)
True stories.. The camera pans the crowd and stops on a couple kissing. The announcer says that’s so cute: he kissers her on the strikes and she kisses him on the balls… The camera pans a football crowd in Hawaii and stops on a pretty girl; one announcer says to the other, Hay, isn’t that the girl that gave you a lei yesterday? …Base Supply clerk at some North African air field can’t find the spare tail assembly listed on the manifest of a C-47 that just arrived so he asks the Crew Chief who points to the General’s WAC Aide.
Q: What’s the difference between an oyster with epilepsy and a whore with diarrhea?
A: One, you shuck between fits…………
It’s may favorite because I learned it and memorized it when I was about 8 years old. Took about a year to figure out what it meant because I saw it in Playboy’s book of dirty jokes and I sure as hell wasn’t going to ask my parents. I also like jokes that play on words.
The Aristocrats
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=tw10xa_xtNg
Frosty the Snowman said hooray,
I’m agog with joy today,
and the reason of course,
a reliable source,
said the snowblower is heading this way!!
An American, an Irishman and a Scot walk into a bar and each orders a beer.
A fly lands in the American’s beer and he says “Ew, a fly! Get me another beer!”
Another fly lands in the Irishman’s beer and he flicks it out and says “Get out ya freeloader.”
Another fly lands in the Scot’s beer and he picks it up, holds it by it’s wings, and says “Spit it out ya basterd!”
And favorite standalone punch line (I don’t even know the joke):
Trump – Who do you think is on the other side building the fucking wall?
Donald Trump… the next Ronald Reagan. Everyone, let’s get on the Trump Train, “All Aboard”
Man is sitting all alone in a bar looking sad, and a stranger goes over to him and asks what’s up.
The lonely sad guy says ” Over there is Syd. He beats his wife but has friends, and all is forgiven. And there is Joe, the car thief. Everyone forgives him. And Dave over there, he has 4 DUIs, and they forgive him. But me, no-o-o, they never forgive and forget. Just fuck one goat, and you’ll see.”
A good mixed crowd joke:
Two workers drive into a lumberyard. One gets out of the truck and goes inside.
The man behind the counter looks at him and says, “Hep ya?”
He says, “We need some 4×2’s”.
“Do you mean 2×4’s?”
The worker looks puzzled, scratches his head and responds, “Just a minute,” goes outside, comes back in, and says, “Yes, 2×4’s. That’s what we need. 2×4’s.”
The clerk asks, “How long?”
The worker says, “Just a minute,”
He goes outside, comes back in, and says, “We’re gonna them a long time. We’re building a house.”
It’s also a flexible joke. The man can be an Okie, a Texan, an Aggie, a blond, a Polack, whatever you want. I think it’s a plus if you can do a real Southern-Fried accent for the store clerk.