WICHITA (The Borowitz Report)—Just hours after NASA revealed the discovery of water on the surface of Mars, a spokesman for Koch Industries said that the company would spend billions to become the red planet’s first major industrial polluter.
“At Koch Industries, we are well aware that our practice of spewing over six million pounds of toxins a year into Earth’s water is not sustainable,” said the billionaire Koch brothers’ corporate spokesman, Harland Dorrinson. “That’s why this discovery of water on Mars is so exciting.”
The company hopes to conduct the first toxic-dumping mission to Mars by 2030—at a projected cost of three billion dollars, or roughly the price of four Presidential candidates, the spokesman said.
In response to a reporter’s question, the Kochs’ spokesman offered no opinion about whether the water on Mars could sustain life, saying only that it would be unlikely to in the future.
“FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Top Army leaders have ordered its elite Special Forces unit to change its motto from the Latin “De Opresso Liber” (To liberate the oppressed) to something that would be more culturally sensitive, after a large number of Afghans holding child sex slaves have complained.
“We want to make sure we are not offending our coalition partners and not judging them based on our own biases,” said Col. Dwight S. Barry, a Pentagon spokesperson. “At the end of the day, we just have to respect that raping young boys and mutilating female genitals is just a part of their culture.”
Started in 1952, Army Special Forces chose its Latin motto of “De Opresso Liber” at a time when the U.S. was heavily focused on freeing people around the world from the chains of Soviet Communism. Now decades later, Army leaders want operators to be more aware of cultural differences they may not understand in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Berkeley, California.
NASA has known there is water on Mars for decades. They’re just now getting around to admitting it.
Anonymous
September 29, 2015 2:11 pm
Mars current condition is obviously the result of climate change.
If only the Martians had done more to control their carbon emissions ……….
Westcoaster
September 29, 2015 6:29 pm
I guess this is a baby step in the right direction from “Never a straight answer” NASA; personally I’ll be impressed when they admit the “Mars Face” and those pyramids surrounding it are remnants of the previous sentient occupiers of the planet.
Duffel blog is great. So much of that stuff is barely even sarcasm. It’s scary how close to the truth a lot of it comes.
And before we go to mars, shouldn’t we at least go to the moon first? As in, for real this time….
Overthecliff
September 29, 2015 8:33 pm
Oh shit! Water on Mars is going to affect us how? Zero for the next 500 years.
SSS
September 29, 2015 10:37 pm
NASA was born in political turmoil (Sputnik vs Mercury), and it will die in similar circumstances.
ASIG
September 30, 2015 2:25 am
Did anyone pick up on the comment at the 28 sec point, the statement that Ryan MacDonald was one of a team planning a -ONE WAY- trip to Mars? What does that mean that they will have adequate renewable resources, food-oxygen to the end of their natural lives? Or they accept some finite length of time when their supplies eventually run out?
PirateLaddie
September 30, 2015 10:17 am
Well, if NASA’s found water on Mars, there’s no telling what they’ll find when they get to Uranus.
Overthecliff
September 30, 2015 10:28 am
Pirate,+100.
Lysander
September 30, 2015 1:28 pm
Goddamn, this is exciting news! Water on Mars, imagine that? I don’t care what it takes, we MUST send a manned mission to Mars to check this out. Maybe it will find microscopic little teensy-weensy bacteria and then study it for the next 20 years. I’ll bet those NASA boys can get the job done for under a $1,000,000,000,000, if they try real hard.
Meanwhile, on Earth, I haven’t been able to find a decent job that pays more than $13/hour or will let me work over 30 hours a week, with no benefits (of course). I have no idea how I’m going to pay for home heating oil this winter, even with it at $1.98/gal.
I thank goodness that all those shiny faced NASA scientists have awesome jobs with fantastic benefits so that we can learn whether or not Mars has life on it. Because, after all, it’s much more important to concentrate on shit on a planet that’s 33,900,000 miles away, rather then bother our selves with shit here on Earth.
WICHITA (The Borowitz Report)—Just hours after NASA revealed the discovery of water on the surface of Mars, a spokesman for Koch Industries said that the company would spend billions to become the red planet’s first major industrial polluter.
“At Koch Industries, we are well aware that our practice of spewing over six million pounds of toxins a year into Earth’s water is not sustainable,” said the billionaire Koch brothers’ corporate spokesman, Harland Dorrinson. “That’s why this discovery of water on Mars is so exciting.”
The company hopes to conduct the first toxic-dumping mission to Mars by 2030—at a projected cost of three billion dollars, or roughly the price of four Presidential candidates, the spokesman said.
In response to a reporter’s question, the Kochs’ spokesman offered no opinion about whether the water on Mars could sustain life, saying only that it would be unlikely to in the future.
Admin…are you prepping as a writer for the Onion?
kokoda
The Borowitz Report is a satire site like the Onion.
XKCD had a great take also…
http://xkcd.com/1583/
[img
[/img]
@kokoda, maybe this is more your speed:
“FORT BRAGG, N.C. — Top Army leaders have ordered its elite Special Forces unit to change its motto from the Latin “De Opresso Liber” (To liberate the oppressed) to something that would be more culturally sensitive, after a large number of Afghans holding child sex slaves have complained.
“We want to make sure we are not offending our coalition partners and not judging them based on our own biases,” said Col. Dwight S. Barry, a Pentagon spokesperson. “At the end of the day, we just have to respect that raping young boys and mutilating female genitals is just a part of their culture.”
Started in 1952, Army Special Forces chose its Latin motto of “De Opresso Liber” at a time when the U.S. was heavily focused on freeing people around the world from the chains of Soviet Communism. Now decades later, Army leaders want operators to be more aware of cultural differences they may not understand in Iraq, Afghanistan, and Berkeley, California.
***
Read more: http://www.duffelblog.com/2015/09/special-forces-motto/
NASA has known there is water on Mars for decades. They’re just now getting around to admitting it.
Mars current condition is obviously the result of climate change.
If only the Martians had done more to control their carbon emissions ……….
I guess this is a baby step in the right direction from “Never a straight answer” NASA; personally I’ll be impressed when they admit the “Mars Face” and those pyramids surrounding it are remnants of the previous sentient occupiers of the planet.
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cydonia_%28region_of_Mars%29
Proof the face object is artificial:
http://metaresearch.org/solar%20system/cydonia/proof_files/proof.asp
Duffel blog is great. So much of that stuff is barely even sarcasm. It’s scary how close to the truth a lot of it comes.
And before we go to mars, shouldn’t we at least go to the moon first? As in, for real this time….
Oh shit! Water on Mars is going to affect us how? Zero for the next 500 years.
NASA was born in political turmoil (Sputnik vs Mercury), and it will die in similar circumstances.
Did anyone pick up on the comment at the 28 sec point, the statement that Ryan MacDonald was one of a team planning a -ONE WAY- trip to Mars? What does that mean that they will have adequate renewable resources, food-oxygen to the end of their natural lives? Or they accept some finite length of time when their supplies eventually run out?
Well, if NASA’s found water on Mars, there’s no telling what they’ll find when they get to Uranus.
Pirate,+100.
Goddamn, this is exciting news! Water on Mars, imagine that? I don’t care what it takes, we MUST send a manned mission to Mars to check this out. Maybe it will find microscopic little teensy-weensy bacteria and then study it for the next 20 years. I’ll bet those NASA boys can get the job done for under a $1,000,000,000,000, if they try real hard.
Meanwhile, on Earth, I haven’t been able to find a decent job that pays more than $13/hour or will let me work over 30 hours a week, with no benefits (of course). I have no idea how I’m going to pay for home heating oil this winter, even with it at $1.98/gal.
I thank goodness that all those shiny faced NASA scientists have awesome jobs with fantastic benefits so that we can learn whether or not Mars has life on it. Because, after all, it’s much more important to concentrate on shit on a planet that’s 33,900,000 miles away, rather then bother our selves with shit here on Earth.