Guest Post by Eric Peters
Lots of advice goes out every year about how to drive in the snow. But the single most important piece of advice about snow-day driving is almost never mentioned – probably because the cardinal rule of modern advice-giving is to never tell people the truth when it might cause discomfort or offense.
It is, simply: Stay home if you lack the skills – or the appropriate vehicle – or both to competently deal with snow on the road.
But I have to get work!
Would that fly in court, if spoken by a well-doused drunk?
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We are marinated in the sickly juice of saaaaaaaaaaaaafety. When it suits.
The glaucomic old lady who “didn’t see” that the light was red and plowed into your car is treated much kindlier by the system than the young man who does the same thing but “didn’t see” the light because he was fogged by booze rather than old age. Both are impaired – neither was a “safe” driver – but one form of impairment is arbitrarily and very strangely deemed less objectionable than the other, despite both having the same not-safe results.
People get tickets for pecking at dey sail fawns while driving – but it’s not only ok to peck at the in-car touchscreens now present in nearly every new car, the car manufacturers are doubling-down on making these screens to peck at ever-more-gaudy and harder to peck at without taking one’s eyes off the road. These glowing touch/tap/swipe distractions are lauded by the same media that unctuously lectures about the evils of sail fawn use while driving.
No “tickets” for the car industry, of course.
Back to this snow-day driving business.
Some people are worse behind the wheel than glaucomic old ladies infused with a liter of vodka when the snow begins to fall. Even if it is just barely falling. Often, it takes just a few flakes.
No actual snow need be on the road.
They drive absurdly slowly at the first hint of snow – if the forecast says it may snow later in the day. If the speed limit is 55, they’ll crawl along at 25 – even if the road itself is entirely clear. They are put off by the presence of snow in the air – or on the shoulder. It might suddenly leap into the road, apparently.
Their hyper-caution would be less objectionable if they didn’t impose it on everyone else. Like too much toilet tissue and not enough water, they clog up the works. And will almost never extend their suffering victims the simply courtesy of moving off to the right to let the train of cars caught behind them get past them. Instead, they’ll turn their emergency flashers on – and continue gimping along like a crippled turtle.
These drivers also tend to be the type who will ride the brakes or tap them constantly – which has the same effect on the stability of their vehicle as tapping at a Jenga tower has upon its stability. They do not grok that smooth and steady is the ticket – especially in the snow.
Particularly in the curves.
Stability control, ABS and other forms of electronic idiot-proofing can only do so much to ameliorate idiocy. Often, they enhance it by encouraging people who ought to stay home to head out. Like the drunk who thinks a strong cup of coffee will counteract the effects of the five rum and Cokes he had.
My car has all-wheel-drive! 
So they drive too fast for the reduced traction conditions, having confused an AWD-equipped vehicle’s superior ability to get going on a snow-slicked surface with its capacity to stop on one. The car industry makes the problem worse by fitting many AWD-equipped cars with high-performance (rather than snow performance) tires. These vehicles are often worse in snow than a rear-drive vehicle, if the rear-drive vehicle has a good set of snow or even all-season tires.
These people are a hazard to themselves and anyone in the vicinity. They ought to stay home – or hitch a ride – for the same reason “society” demands that the soused by booze do the same. Or be liable for the consequences.
Don’t expect Inept Driver Checkpoints any time soon, though.
Keep in mind that you may have all wheel or four wheel drive that makes your car get going fast better than a 2 wheel drive, but all vehicles have 4 wheel brakes and your 4 wheel drive is just the same as everyone else’s vehicle when it comes to braking, especially fast braking.
FWIW, I find old people far less likely to be on the road during snow and ice than middle aged or young people (drunks seem to be about the same under any conditions). This may vary by region, maybe some regions are better about it than others.
I’m here in Minnesocold. Snow and ice – this is the reason they will never have driver-less vehicles.
Driving the 476 to 81 to syracuse yesterday. No snow on the road. Flakes in the air. I was doing 77 til i caught up to traffic doing 30. Once around them i was back to 77. Passed several police on the day. No tickets no troubles.
I just wish they’d make a vehicle without fucking traction control. Even if you “turn it off” it doesn’t turn off. It is impossible to get up a slushy hill unless your wheels can spin freely – 10% or 20% traction is better than none at all, which is what you get when the computer cuts the power to your wheels when they start to spin.
Mine turns off.
Yeah, on all our cars traction control can be blunted with a quick push of the button or disabled altogether by holding the traction control button down for 10-15 seconds. Give it a shot.
An Eric Peters column is a good place to drop this story. Yesterday I took my kid to Goodwill to get some goofy clothes for dress up day at school. The small parking lot was full except for two spots marked “electric cars only” (with power cords available). Their leftist virtue-signaling is so ingrained that they expect people shopping at Goodwill to drive Teslas. And, no, those spots weren’t for donors. The donor lane is on the other side of the building.
Northerners need a set of these.
I was like… wtf is dey sail fawns… then it hit me. lol
I ditched my TDI Volkswagen that morning and started my F150 for the 30-mile commute. It was cold, and icy. Snow was falling and the wind had been blowing all night, making the road treacherous. With both hands on the wheel, I left the divided highway behind as it funneled me into the rural two-lane. The crosswinds were stiff, but steady. I was leaving the city, everyone else was coming in for work. I remember feeling prepared and flexible, having the ability to change vehicles to meet the severity of the weather. I had made a good decision. The added height of the pickup helped me see over the ground drifting, the added weight and four-wheel drive was helping me with the cross winds. The first dozen cars I met after leaving the divided highway were all driven by younger or middle-aged women. Each driver had a phone held tight to her ear with one hand, as the car was steered with the remaining hand. I could see their mouths moving, I could see them checking themselves in the rearview mirror. The cars appeared to me, to be moving at the 60 mph speed limit and each car was following in the snow cloud being kicked up by the car in front of them. I was dumbfounded. I can’t begin to explain the confusion I felt at seeing them skating on the edge of life, with their eyes focused on their lipstick. I’m either an incompetent old idiot who avoids running with scissors, or we’re fucked. I think we’re fucked.
This is a good artical. I started driving at age 12. bought my own iron. Drove long haul truck for 7 years so, I’ve seen it all.
Hey, this is as good a place as any to ask- Where does this name “Clover” come from? Jackass seems to fit a lot better, but I was curious if there’s a reason for it. Calling someone clover hardly seems insulting, just silly. Shithead, jackass, and faggot all seem much more fulfilling when I’m behind the wheel.
Way back in the day on Eric’s site, there was a poster that ran under the screen name “Clover”. That person was a continual pain in the ass and complete troll, always bitching about other people who drive over the speed limit being the equivalent of automotive Hitlers, that skool zones should be enforced 24/7, all traffic cops are always awesome, and other such unfounded trollery on a car forum.
Therefore, and after much discussion, the other members of the board decided that from that day forward, ALL the slow fucks, dumb fucks, phone fucks, shitty car fucks, copfucks, and all the other assbags and hypocrites clogging up the roads and just causing nuisance problems for the rest of us shall forthwith be known as Clovers – and we Knew that It was Good.
So, from now on, whenever you get stuck behind some fucktard doing 10-under on a two lane, balked by a Prius in the passing lane cruising – completely oblivious – at 68 without getting out of the damn way, almost killed by some idgit that slams on the brakes for a non-flashing skool zone at 2am, those are Clovers. They exist among us. And they can be deadly. Watch your ass and floor the gas. Fuck em.
Would have argued with your clover premise had you not identified the air temperature, plus there didn’t appear to be any slush on the road. We live in the Appalachians just north and of Georgia, and I’m usually the slowest when there’s snow/slush or fair possibility of ice (Liquid present, plus below freezing Temp.) on the road. Most drivers aren’t slowing down a bit. Eff them, I’m not driving faster than conditions warrant.
Clover is a douche bag that leaves statist comments on EPA’s blog. All oppression is lacking in his opinion.