LOS ANGELES, CA—El Segundo man Barry Walker wept bitterly in court today after a judge sentenced him to 20 years in state prison for possession of a crazy straw.
Walker was arrested in January after police pulled him over, searched his car, and found a supply of crazy straws in his glove compartment. After administering their customary beating, the LAPD arrested him and brought him in, where he was charged with Illegal Possession of a Controlled Crazy Straw, in violation of new California law.
“The suspect had a loaded, unsecured crazy straw in his car, one with a lot of little loopies and everything,” the arresting officer had told reporters back in January. “When he couldn’t produce a valid CCW, we realized we were dealing with a dangerous madman.”
The California court system fast-tracks significant crazy straw prosecution cases over “less significant” criminal cases like murder or rape, and so Walker was convicted in under a month.
“We hope Mr. Walker’s strict sentencing today serves as a warning to criminals: the state of California does not take crazy straw possession lightly. Please, if you know a loved one who still has an unregistered crazy straw—sometimes known on the street as ‘silly straws’ or ‘loop de doos’—turn them in.”
“If you see something, say something,” he added.
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William Butler Yeats (1865-1939)
THE SECOND COMING
Turning and turning in the widening gyre
The falcon cannot hear the falconer;
Things fall apart; the centre cannot hold;
Mere anarchy is loosed upon the world,
The blood-dimmed tide is loosed, and everywhere
The ceremony of innocence is drowned;
The best lack all conviction, while the worst
Are full of passionate intensity.
Surely some revelation is at hand;
Surely the Second Coming is at hand.
The Second Coming! Hardly are those words out
When a vast image out of Spiritus Mundi
Troubles my sight: a waste of desert sand;
A shape with lion body and the head of a man,
A gaze blank and pitiless as the sun,
Is moving its slow thighs, while all about it
Wind shadows of the indignant desert birds.
The darkness drops again but now I know
That twenty centuries of stony sleep
Were vexed to nightmare by a rocking cradle,
And what rough beast, its hour come round at last,
Slouches towards Bethlehem to be born?
Customary beating is otherwise known as an attitude adjustment. It does wonders for folks left reeling from family court or the DMV. A shot to the family jewels also makes a hard man humble. Welcome to Cali.
I thought it was referred to as the PhD…Pumpkin head Deluxe. Otherwise known as the ubiquitous “wood shampoo”.
That’s three but who’s counting?
only the victims, buddy. only the victims.
Look, Mick, I don’t want to scare you but I know a guy, mmkay? Uncola could whip your beehind with a CB antenna. All it takes is one call.
Send him right over. And feel free to come with him. I got plenty for whoever shows up. I hope he’s got more in the tank than that loser Llpoh.
“Big Dog” has lost all practical meaning around here.
But this would be okay. http://kevinwhiteman.com/leukemia-virus-linked-to-muslim-blood-letting-festival/
https://www.breitbart.com/politics/2019/03/13/there-have-been-334-reported-hate-crimes-against-trump-supporters/
‘Customary beating is otherwise known as an attitude adjustment.’
It’s also known as ‘sensitivity training’.