Struggling Chemistry Teacher Takes To Life Of Crime Manufacturing Plastic Straws To Sell On Streets Of Santa Barbara

Via The Babylon Bee

SANTA BARBARA,CA—After the straw ban passed in Santa Barbara, one high school chemistry teacher saw a golden opportunity.

Strapped for cash and down on his luck, Santa Barbara high school chemistry teacher, Winston Silver found himself in a desperate situation. He was looking for any opportunity to use his teaching or chemistry skills to bring his family some much-needed additional income. When the city of Santa Barbara passed a ban on plastic straws, Silver noticed that plastic straws were now being sold on the black market at an incredibly high cost but inferior quality.

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California Man Sentenced To 20 Years For Possession Of Crazy Straw

Via The Babylon Bee

LOS ANGELES, CA—El Segundo man Barry Walker wept bitterly in court today after a judge sentenced him to 20 years in state prison for possession of a crazy straw.

Walker was arrested in January after police pulled him over, searched his car, and found a supply of crazy straws in his glove compartment. After administering their customary beating, the LAPD arrested him and brought him in, where he was charged with Illegal Possession of a Controlled Crazy Straw, in violation of new California law.

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Banning Straws

Guest Post by John Stossel

Banning Straws

Want to sip a refreshing beverage this summer?

If environmental zealots and sycophants get their way, you won’t be allowed to sip it through a plastic straw.

Actress Nina Nelson and other celebrities made a video claiming that plastic straws kill sea life: “In the USA alone, over 500 million straws are being used every single day, most of which are going into our oceans.”

“I will stop sucking,” vowed the celebrities.

In obedient response, Seattle banned plastic straws, and other places plan to follow. Starbucks, Hyatt and Hilton are all abandoning straws.

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