WASHINGTON, D.C.—In a historic compromise, the Senate and U.S. House of Representatives have finally settled on a stimulus package for Americans struggling and out of work. In addition to bailouts, money for pet projects, and payouts to unions, Congress has authorized a very special $5 off coupon to Applebee’s.
“We are proud to have come together for the American people,” said House Speaker Nancy Pelosi. “I am told that all those ditch diggers and plumbers in the Midwest are crazy about Applebee’s! Won’t this hit the spot after a long day of doing whatever it is you people do for a living? You’re welcome!”
Some critics of the plan have suggested that giving Americans a coupon after forcing them to shut down their businesses for 9 months feels like a slap in the face. In response, Representative AOC said: “Well, we wanted the stimulus payments to be eleventy-billion dollars for every person, but the evil Republicans didn’t allow it!”
According to AOC, there is a silver lining in spite of the disappointing legislation. “This is a great opportunity for Americans to try sex work!” she said. “Who needs a small business when you can just open an OnlyFans account?”
In a press release, Applebee’s thanked the Government for its support. “We are looking forward to serving all Americans at our fine dining establishments! Please note that the promotion expires on January 20th and we can only allow 3 patrons in our dining rooms at all times. We’ll see you soon!”
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All of the Applebee’s in my are have gone out of business. What are we supposed to do?
You might have to use a regional Popeye’s CHicken coupon or is that Church’s?
In any case: barf appetite, courtesy of The Rulers.
See; GUbbermint Maff can be very rewarding.
Don’t worry, the genocidal state of Israel is getting billions…..that they will be spending at Applebees I’m sure.
Trump should have made his demand for 2000 before ever signing it.
I only want my Applebee’s coupon if Biden signs it.
In the fine print on the back it says it can not be used to buy alcohol.
Not available in MI, NJ, PA, CA, or NY.
Governor’s restrictions in these states have forced the local Applebee’s to shutter their doors.
In D.C., they have removed all the lamp posts in anticipation of the patriot rally upcoming.
Rope has been been pulled from every Home Repot, Blowe’s, and Retard’s home improvement stores.
Ditto, for any local small business hardware store trying to compete with them.
Anymore BB is so close to reality that it doesn’t even make me smile. It is just sad.