Submitted by Hardscrabble Farmer
Intensely amusing as well as motivational.
The 5 Coolest Things Ever Said In The History of War
“Well, buddy, just pull your tank in behind me. I’m the 82nd Airborne, and this is as far as the bastards are going!”
The Situation:
The 325th Glider Infantry Regiment of the 82nd Airborne Division had an insane job, even by WWII standards. Their task was to haul supplies to paratroopers, using gliders that were made out of freaking plywood. This is a material not known for its bullet-deflecting capabilities, and the gliders had a habit of suddenly plummeting to the Earth due to the heavy weight of the cargo. They were basically designed for crashing, with the pilot hanging on with little-to-no control and hoping like hell that the landing would be gentle enough to not break his spine.
“Oh, yeah, we need a ‘pilot’ for this thing, ummmmm … you.”
“These tanks are fragile!”
“Yeah,” said the tank commander. The man answered:
“Well, buddy, just pull your tank in behind me. I’m the 82nd Airborne, and this is as far as the bastards are going!”
It was easier to fit on to a patch than “Archduke Emeritus of Ass-Upon-Kickington.”
“Goddamn it! You’ll never get a Purple Heart hiding in a foxhole. Follow me!”
“And if you wouldn’t mind mopping up some of these other areas …”
As most “simple” wartime orders tend to go, this was far easier said than done. The Japanese army was not exactly a group of boy scouts: they were dug in, giving ground slowly and only after much bloodshed. Members of the 3rd Battalion 8th Marines found this out the hard way, when they were halted by an extensive enemy emplacement, including no less than seven machine-gun nests. Things looked grim, until Captain Henry P. Crowe gathered half a dozen Marines who were taking cover from enemy fire and bellowed:
“Goddamn it! You’ll never get a Purple Heart hiding in a foxhole. Follow me!”
“Yeah, but we also won’t get a bullet.”
He died in ’91, his mustache in ’99.
“Casualties many; percentage of dead not known; combat efficiency: we are winning.”
“The only thing you have to fear is … me, if you fuck this up.”
“P.S.: fuck yeah, America!”
Just to be clear: that wasn’t at all true (anywhere but in Shoup’s mind, at least). He wasn’t giving a status report: he was making a promise.
The Aftermath:
After four days of fighting and thousands of dead on both sides, the U.S. Marines finally took the island while everyone back at home shat a collective brick of surprise. Only 17 out of the nearly 4,000 Japanese defenders surrendered, and all the U.S. had to show for their losses was a tiny island in the middle of nowhere … and, luckily, a newfound Badass Supreme in Colonel Shoup. He was awarded the Medal of Honor for his role at Tarawa and eventually promoted to the rank of four-star general.
“Five stars, would massacre-fight my way through again.”
“Here I come!”
The Situation:
During the Korean War, Corporal Rodolfo Hernandez and his 187th Airborne Regimental Combat Team were given the unenviable mission of defending Hill 420 against an overwhelming enemy force. On top of being forced to defend a patch of land that sounds like a hangout for stoners, Hernandez’s men immediately began to take a heavy artillery barrage intended to turn his platoon into a Jackson Pollock painting. Then the enemy ground troops advanced, and under absurd amounts of fire Hernandez’s comrades started to withdraw due to a lack of ammunition. Of course, the man himself elected to stay in his foxhole and continue firing at the oncoming horde, despite being peppered nonstop with shrapnel.
And then his rifle stopped working.
“I regret this decision!”
“Who the fuck is ‘Leroy Jenkins’?”
The Aftermath:
Hernandez charged the advancing enemy troops, armed with nothing but his bayonet and, when it was eventually taken away from him, his fists and feet. He killed six men and managed to temporarily halt the enemy’s advance with his one-man murder tornado, thus allowing his unit to regroup and eventually retake the hill.
Of course, such badass antics come with a price. During his one-man charge, Hernandez took a bayonet to the face, was shot, and was further shredded with shrapnel. The medics were totally sure the human hamburger Hernandez had become was a goner … until they saw him move his finger. Since reports aren’t clear, we can only presume it was his middle one, challenging the Universe to throw more his way.
“I can file this nail really sharp!”
Every Goddamn Thing Norman D. Cota Said at Omaha Beach
The Situation:
When D-Day rolled around, Omaha Beach got the most action. Of course, being in the spot with the “most action” is either a good thing or a bad thing, depending on how nuts you are. This brings us to Brigadier General Norman D. Cota, who clearly thought it was awesome.
He had his middle initial changed in preparation for the invasion.
“Wait, what? Nobody says that. That’s not a thing.”
They did, and “Rangers Lead the Way” remains the motto of the Rangers to this day. After single-handedly motivating an entire military branch for all of eternity, Cota strode across the beach to a group of men pinned down at a sand dune. To them, he said:
“Gentlemen, we are being killed on the beaches. Let us go inland and be killed.”
“Last one to survive has to dig all the graves!”
All the swastikas had led a number of soldiers to believe they would be fighting Buddhists.
Cota, figuratively putting on his teaching hat, and literally pulling out his teaching grenades, said:
“Well, I’ll tell you what, captain. You and your men start shooting at them. I’ll take a squad of men and you and your men watch carefully. I’ll show you how to take a house with Germans in it.”
“I only managed to put ‘strampeln mich’ signs on three of them before they got away. No excuse, sir.”
Having achieved a goal most younger (and saner) men would have thought impossible outside a Call of Duty game, Cota went to the captain and said: “You’ve seen how to take a house. Do you understand? Do you know how to do it now?”
“Yes, sir,” said the captain, presumably still trying to write it all down in his spiral notebook.
“Well, I won’t be around to do it for you again. I can’t do it for everybody.”
Which is how General Cota came to invent TED Talks.
Then, Cota dropped the mic and walked away in slow motion as Omaha Beach exploded behind him.
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But were they woke?
And the world was made safe for trans non-binaries.
I enjoyed that. And I am German.
Where are brave men today?
Definitely entertaining and informative.
This was back when men were men, and sheep were afraid.
From a goddam remote island to a fucken numbered hill, troops as cannon fodder seems to be an acceptable military strategy.
A strategy as old as war.
Very refreshing piece.
I read of the tuff old Marine gunny who took a series of Jap pillboxes firing his Tommy and chomping on a cigar all the while. He was half shot to shit and was carried off to the rear on a stretcher. He sat bolt upright and yelled, “FUCK EM ALL” then lay back and died. These were tough old boys.
And just think, lacking False Flags, none of those quotations would have ever been said.
“All right. They’re on our left, they’re on our right, they’re in front of us, they’re behind us … They can’t get away this time.” Chesty Puller
I luv this quote… freak’n awesome…
No bastard ever won a war by dying for his country. He won it by making some other poor dumb bastard die for his country.
Patton
“There are not enough Indians in the world to defeat the Seventh Cavalry.”
— George Armstrong Custer
Armstrong’s ghost can finally rest now that he isn’t responsible for the worst mistake in US military history.
We went from killing people and breaking their will to fight to twenty year wars where we don’t want to kill too many people so we don’t hurt the population’s feelings or something like that.
You forgot using the invaded country to try and test out your newest experimental weaponry, Making an obscene fortune in treasure by selling experimental weaponry and growing the base product to create the opioids to destroy your own citizenry. Not to mention the money laundering by ‘investing’ in the invaded countries infrastructures which oddly never seem to appear or get destroyed right away, often by your own bombs.
Oh what am I saying… its all a conspiracy… no proof at all…
War Is A Racket
Major General Smedley Butler
WAR is a racket. It always has been.
It is possibly the oldest, easily the most profitable, surely the most vicious. It is the only one international in scope. It is the only one in which the profits are reckoned in dollars and the losses in lives.
A racket is best described, I believe, as something that is not what it seems to the majority of the people. Only a small “inside” group knows what it is about. It is conducted for the benefit of the very few, at the expense of the very many. Out of war a few people make huge fortunes.
In the World War [I] a mere handful garnered the profits of the conflict. At least 21,000 new millionaires and billionaires were made in the United States during the World War. That many admitted their huge blood gains in their income tax returns. How many other war millionaires falsified their tax returns no one knows.
How many of these war millionaires shouldered a rifle? How many of them dug a trench? How many of them knew what it meant to go hungry in a rat-infested dug-out? How many of them spent sleepless, frightened nights, ducking shells and shrapnel and machine gun bullets? How many of them parried a bayonet thrust of an enemy? How many of them were wounded or killed in battle?
Out of war nations acquire additional territory, if they are victorious. They just take it. This newly acquired territory promptly is exploited by the few — the selfsame few who wrung dollars out of blood in the war. The general public shoulders the bill.
And what is this bill?
This bill renders a horrible accounting. Newly placed gravestones. Mangled bodies. Shattered minds. Broken hearts and homes. Economic instability. Depression and all its attendant miseries. Back-breaking taxation for generations and generations.
Very good stories, inspirational. OK, now who’s gonna write the ones about Generals Milley and Austin and their combat heroism???
When Harper arrived at the Headquarters, he was asked to wait outside of the closed door to McAulliffe’s quarters. Inside, in the presence of his staff, McAulliffe wondered aloud, “Well, I don’t know what to tell them.” At that point, Kinnard said, “What you said initially would be hard to beat.” McAulliffe asked “What do you mean?” Kinnard, said, “Sir, you said nuts.” All members of the staff enthusiastically agreed, so McAulliffe wrote it down on a message pad and said, “Have it typed up.”
The reply was typed up, centered on a full sheet of paper. It read:
“December 22, 1944
To the German Commander,
N U T S !
The American Commander”
https://www.army.mil/article/92856/the_story_of_the_nuts_reply
Arthur J. Thomas flew one of those gliders into combat in southern France. He also wrote the chapter on the CG4A combat glider in Robin Highams book “Flying Combat Aircraft”. He went on from WWII to a full career flying various aircraft for the U.S. Air Force. I am proud to claim “Jim” Thomas as my aerobatic flight instructor first in a Citabria and later in a Great Lakes 2T-1A-2. He was a excellent pilot, a truly great instructor, and a very good friend and neighbor.
That Rangers patch is has probably been deemed as racist by the woke military leaders .
In today’s Army, they’d get Ru Paul to tweak the Chinks, who hopefully would either be laughing too hard or directing max firepower toward xer (???), where xer fat as booty would absorb 2,000 rounds before falling. That would allow our boys to distribute LBGTQ flyers to the Chinks and convert them to wokeism.