Do you have a funny joke you’d like to tell us?
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It is my sincere desire to provide readers of this site with the best unbiased information available, and a forum where it can be discussed openly, as our Founders intended. But it is not easy nor inexpensive to do so, especially when those who wish to prevent us from making the truth known, attack us without mercy on all fronts on a daily basis. So each time you visit the site, I would ask that you consider the value that you receive and have received from The Burning Platform and the community of which you are a vital part. I can't do it all alone, and I need your help and support to keep it alive. Please consider contributing an amount commensurate to the value that you receive from this site and community, or even by becoming a sustaining supporter through periodic contributions. [Burning Platform LLC - PO Box 1520 Kulpsville, PA 19443] or Paypal
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What do you call Jesse Jackson on water skies ?
A top water jig.
Two atoms are standing around talking to each other when one of them says-
I think I just lost an electron.
The second atom asks-
Are you sure?
To which the first atom replies-
I’m positive.
Good jokes… NOT dad jokes…
Never trust an atom, they make up everything.
*groan*
The only clean one I know:
A priest, a rabbi, and Baptist walk into a bar.
Bartender says, “Is this some kind of joke?”
A really tough looking redneck walks into a bar with a big gator on a leash and growls at the bartender,
“Do you serve niggers here!?”
Bartender, taken aback but defiant, says “Dude, we serve everyone in here.”
Redneck says, “Great! I’ll have a Budweiser and and my gator ‘ll have a nigger.”
Man gets a sex change operation to become a women and was then asked what was the most painful??? Penis amputation? No, breast implants? No….Okay what was the most painful?? Its when they stuck a straw in my ear and sucked out half my brains………..
https://www.google.com/search?q=women+know+your+limits&oq=women+know&aqs=chrome.2.69i57j35i39j0i512l2j0i390.7303j0j7&sourceid=chrome-mobile&ie=UTF-8
From ‘As Good As It Gets’ …
Receptionist: How do you write women so well?
Melvin Udall (Jack Nicholson — of course): I think of a man, and I take away reason and accountability.
Q: What do you get when you cross a nigger with a gorilla?
A: A dumb gorilla.
What’s black and comes in little white cans?
Michael Jackson.
You know when bed time is at MJ’s place??
When the big hand touches the little hand
Q: Why do black people smell bad?
A: So blind people can hate them too.
Q: What do Nike shoes and the Ku Klux Klan have in common?
A: They both make niggers run faster.
Q: What word starts with “N” and ends with “R” that you never want to call a black person?
A: Neighbor.
Q: Why are all black people fast?
A: Because all the slow ones are in jail.
Why do Mexicans like those tiny little steering wheels?
That’s the only way you can drive when you’re wearing handcuffs.
Why won’t Mexicans marry Blacks?
The kids would be too lazy to steal.
Q: Why are black people so good at Basketball?
A: Because all they have to do is run, shoot, and steal.
Q: Why don’t black people dream?
A: Because look what happened to the last black guy that had a dream.
MLK would be cancelled today.
Q: What’s the difference between bigfoot and a hard working black man?
A: Bigfoot has been spotted.
Q: What’s the difference between a black guy and a elevator?
A: The elevator can raise a child.
Q: What’s black on the inside and white all around on the outside?
A: A prison.
Q: Why do black people have nice shoes and nice cars but live in beat up old houses?
A: Because they haven’t figured out how to steal houses yet.
What did one homosexual necrophiliac say to the other whilst walking past a morgue? Wanna stop in and suck down some cold ones?
On Easter Sunday, the pastor of the large congregation called on all the children in attendance to leave their pews and come up on stage. The girls were wearing beautiful dresses in pink, yellow, and light blue, with shiny shoes. All the young boys had button down shirts and ties.
“Wonderful to have all you beautiful children up near the altar with me today.” said the preacher.
“Now, who can tell me what The Resurrection is all about?” he asked.
Of course, little Jimmy’s arm shot up faster than anybody else.
When the pastor gave him the microphone, he said:
“I’m not sure what it is, but the TV says if it lasts more than four hours, to go see your Doctor.”
The organist immediately launched into a version of Jesus Christ Is Risen Today,
as the ushers quickly rushed in and attended to Jimmy’s Mother in the back row, who had fainted.
PEACE BE WITH Y’ALL.
Don’t OD on ham and deviled eggs today.
An old black guy goes to the doctor and explains about how he can no longer satisfy his mistress. The doctor tells the old black guy he belives he could be impotent and he should come back in two weeks for some tests. The old black guy thinks for a few seconds and begins nodding to himself with a strange satisfied look. The doctor is puzzled and states again to the old black guy that he could be impotent and the old black guy leaves the office with a beaming grin on his face.
Two weeks pass and the old black guy returns for his follow up appointment wearing a top hat, patent leather shoes, a tuxedo, and carrying a walking cane. The puzzled doctor asks the old black guy why he came to the appointment so well dressed. The old black guy explains, “Well doc, it’s like you says – I’s im’potent. So if I’s gonna be im’potent, I’s gonna dress im’potent.”
This one is old … and many youngsters probably won’t even get the references / humor … but I still find it funny after all these years:
Q: What do Len Bias and Rock Hudson have in common?
A: They both got a hold of some bad crack.
Kinda like Freddie Mercury dying after swallowing the Mike.
Why did they bury Rock Hudson face down?
.
.So when his friends stopped by they could have a cold one.
HAHAHAHA!
I heard this version:
Rock Hudson died of botulism.
Yeah, bad meat in the can.
Q: What is the only type of wood in the world that doesn’t float?
A: Natalie Wood.
Why didn’t Natalie take a shower on the yacht?
She wanted to wash up on shore.
LOL!
Why didn’t Brian Wilson clean up on the boat?
He wanted to wash up on shore.
Q: What did Hitler get his young niece for Christmas?
A: A GI-Jew and an Easy Bake Oven.
And he committed suicide after receiving the gas bill.
Did you hear about the new restaurant on the moon?
Great food, no atmosphere.
And no one has ever gone there.
Q: Why did Freddie Mercury get berried face down?
A: So his friends could stop by for a cold one
A man walks into work one morning with a nasty black eye and a couple of scratches on his face. The receptionist, a young woman, notices and asks the man what happened.
“I got beat up defending my girlfriend’s honor.”
“Aww, that’s sweet,” said the receptionist, “what did your girlfriend think?”
“She couldn’t believe how hard my wife could hit.”
A man got lost in a small town he was visiting when he came across a cowboy standing next to a 10-foot bull.
The man asks the cowboy: “What time is it?”
The cowboy grabs the bull’s testicles, lifts them up and says: “It’s 3:30 pm.”
The man, confused, then asks: “How the fuck can you tell time by grabbing that bull’s balls?”
The cowboy answers: “It’s really simple…
…I grab the bull’s balls, I lift them up a bit … and you see that clock over there?”
A man is talking to God and asks, what’s a million years like to you? God says a second. Man, then asks what’s a million dollars like to you. God says a penny. Man says can I have a penny. God says yes in a second.
Q: Why is Sunday morning the best time to be on a Los Angeles freeway?
A: The Protestants are still asleep, the Catholics are in church, the Jews are in Palm Springs, the blacks are in jail, the Asians are busy at the laundromats, and the Mexicans can’t get their cars started.
This country bumpkin and his fiancee are about to be married and they go to the doctor to get their blood test so they can get a marriage license. The doctor begins to explain the birds and the bees to the country bumpkin but he seems utterly puzzled. The doctor then shows the country bumpkin a pornographic magazine and the guy still doesn’t get it. Exasperated, the doctor decides he will demonstrate to the country bumpkin what the birds and the bees are so he strips the fiancee naked and gives it to here right there on the examining table.
When the doctor is finished, he turns to the country bumpkin and asks, “Now do you understand?” The country bumpkin nods his heads as if the penny has finally dropped and states, “Yeah doc, I get it. But I only have one question.”
“What’s that?”, says the doctor.
“How many times a month do I have to bring her here?”
A string of yarn walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a drink.
“You get the hell outta here!” the bartender yells at him, as he points to the door. “We don’t serve strings of yarn!”
Disheartened, the little string shuffled back outside. Suddenly, inspiration hit him: he began to chew on, and contort himself like a pretzel; then, he re-entered the bar and asked for a drink.
“Hey!” cried the bartender, “Didn’t I just tell you we don’t serve strings of yarn here?”
“Nope,” he replied, “I’m a frayed knot.”
That was painful.
Funny, but painful.
A CrossFit dude and a Keto diet gal walk into a bar and they can’t get a
word in edgewise. Why? Because there’s someone who just got vaccinated
yammering away already there.
They’ve ALL been painful.
Ok I got 2 tasteless ones:
Q: did you hear about the loose woman who went on a fishing trip with 5 men?
A: she came home with a big red snapper
Q: what does a near-sighted gynecologist have in common with a puppy?
A: they both have a wet nose
NASA not long ago decided it will recommence its manned missions to the moon, and it is determined to send a female person of color on the next mission – Air Force Colonel Kwaneesha X, a six year career officer and veteran of the military’s Diversity Rocket program. However, budget constraints necessitate that Kwaneesha is accompanied by two chimpanzees. After two years of arduous training, the big launch day finally arrives, but Kwaneesha has barely spent any time training for the mission. She assumes it is because she is so skilled and such a tremendous leader – after all, she was promoted to Colonel in only six years. What other reason could there be?
On the launch pad, Kwaneesha and the two chimpanzees are ready for liftoff. Launch instructions are issued from flight command. “Lancelot Link, engage oxygen thrusters. Bonzo, confirm flight trajectory from onboard computers.” Both chimps execute a complex series of checks and initiation sequences. Kwaneesha awaits her commands but nothing comes yet.
“Lancelot Link, make final confirmation of life support operating within tolerances. Bonzo, prepare for liftoff.” The two chimps go about their duties while Kwaneesha waits excitedly for her orders.
LIFTOFF! “Lancelot Link, disengage first stage module. Bonzo, engage second stage thrusters…” Both chimps carry out their orders flawlessly.
“Lancelot Link, disengage second stage module. Bonzo, engage third stage thrusters and prepare to exit earth’s gravitational orbit.” Again, perfect execution. Kwaneesha is growing impatient as her great contribution to American history approaches.
Third stage module is disengaged and the command module leaves earth’s orbit. Some quiet time passes – it feels like and eternity – until Kwaneesha receives her first order of the mission and history is made. The nation’s television viewing audience awaits for this monumental moment of progress and restorative justice all rolled into one. The order finally arrives.
“Kwaneesha – feed the chimpanzees.”
What do NASA and a horny walrus have in common?
They’re both looking for a tight seal.
I posted this before, but here goes anyway….
Q: If Tarzan and Jane were black, what would Cheeta be?
A: The brains of the operation.
Q: What is the difference between Joe Biden and a bucket of shit?
A: The bucket.
What’s the difference between Mick Jagger and a Scotsman?
Jagger sings “Hey you, get offa my cloud.”
And the Scotsman says, “Hey McCloud, get offa my ewe.”
And for shits and giggles, here is the world’s greatest troll…
The cub reporter came back with a story and a headline: Insane man attacks girl, runs away.
The old editor fixed it: Nut screws and bolts.
Pair of jumper cables walks onto a bar. The bartender looks them over and says ” I’ll serve you just don’t start anything.”
Two peanuts walking down the street. one of them was a salted.
St. Peter needs work done on the pearly gates and puts out notice to take bids. 1st guy that shows up is black. St. Peter shows him the gates, and says to work up a bid for the project. 2 days later the black guy comes back and give his bid to St. Peter for $900. St. Peter asks if he can break it down. The black guy says sure…..that will be $450 for matls and $450 for labor. St. Peter thanks him and says he’ll get back to him. the 2nd guy is white and St Pete shows him the gates. The white guy goes over to a table and does some figuring and gets back to Pete with his bid of $1800. Pete asks him to break it down. Sure he says, that will be $900 for matls and $900 for labor. Pete thanks him and says he’ll get back to him. The 3rd guy is a jew. Pete shows him the gates to which the jew wasn’t much interested in looking at. Pete starts to tell him to submit his bid ….when the jew looked at Pete and said $2700. St. Peter taken aback at such a quick response asked if he would break tht down. Without a moments hesitation he states…That’s $900 for me, $900 for you, and $900 to get that nigger to do the w0rk.
My favorite Jewish joke:
Why are there so few alcoholic or drug abusing Jews?”
Because it interferes with their suffering.
Second favorite:
A Jewish grandfather is playing on a beach with his young grandson
when suddenly a HUGE wave crashes ashore and washes the boy away.
The grandfather, bereft and desperate drops to his knees and beseeches God,
“Lord my grandson is everything, return him and will devote every second
of my life you, anything and everything!”
Then, another massive wave crashes ashore and there is the boy,
completely unharmed.
The grandfather turns his face to the heavens and says, “He had a hat…”
Never invite just one Baptist to go fishing with you.
Always invite at least two.
Because if you only invite one, he’ll drink all your beer.
Wondering if you’re an autist? 🤔
Not surprised. My brother is an aspie…so is my cousin. Very familiar with aspies and their joys & struggles.
Ok, I’ll bight. What in the heck is an aspie and does it come with a nice disability check?
Aspie = Asperger Syndrome. Not saying this is Archie, but I see some similarities such as above average intelligence, intense interest in a subject, excellent verbal (written) communication, attention to detail, strong memory, recognizes patterns…and as T4C said, they are very endearing and likable.
Not all aspie’s are the same though, everyone is unique. Just see this all in Archie. That’s why I asked him to confirm.
~Hmmmmm…
So being born intelligent is now a syndrome. How much do I get for having this syndrome. I can fake being smart for short periods if the money’s right.
You got the intelligence down, for sure. 🙂
There are just other aspects that I didn’t list (and have no idea if they apply)…life is not easy as an aspie.
Talk about trowelling it on.
That’s a cute chipmunk.
https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcQ1zd0aLW30DixuLgow8MhXb6PReNYc_0tPDrhupinSJ4aO2hjyb_D6zimYWphEEdWklYY&usqp=CAU
OK buddy but be careful. They were trowelling it on pretty heavy. It might be a trap.
😂😂 Flea…I like analyzing people.
Ok Abby, if you say so but(Believe everything after the but and nothing before it) you sounded a lot like I sounded when I was trying to get laid.
Of course times have changed and you’re interning as an analyst and I was just a young sailor hitting the beach with Yoji.
😂Lol. Flea…this is the first time I have to tell you that you are wrong!! I was simply diagnosing.
Now…T4C might be a different story…
If you have ever watched “The Chosen”, this is how Matthew is portrayed.
A Jewish man decides his son isn’t religious enough, so pays for him to go visit Israel. When the son comes back, however, he says he’s a Christian now.
The father goes to his friend exasperated to explain the situation, and his friend says “that’s funny, I sent my son to Israel last year, and when he came back he also said he was Christian.”
The two men decide they should speak to their rabbi about this, but when they explain the situation, the rabbi says “that’s funny, two years ago I sent my son to Israel, and he also came back a Christian.”
The three men decide only God can have the answer, so they pray. The rabbi says aloud “dear God, all three of us sent our sons to Israel, and all of them came back Christian.”
God’s voice booms down “that’s funny…”
The difference between Guts and Balls:
Guts is arriving home late after a night out with the boys
and meeting the wife with a broom and asking, “Are you still
cleaning or are you flying somewhere?”
Balls is coming home late at night without seeing the boys
but smelling of perfume, whiskey with lipstick on your collar
and slapping the wife on the ass and saying, “You’re next, Chubby!”
Regardless of guts or balls, an ass beating is going to happen….
The very worst joke I know:
What do 5,000 battered women have in common?
They don’t know when to shut up.
I’ll just go ahead and apologize in advance.
They come battered? I’ve been eating them raw all these years.
“They won’t fucking listen!”
Two windmills were in a pasture, and the second one asks the first one: “What is your favorite music genre?”
The second fan says: “OH, I’m a big heavy metal fan.
Okay, a 4th-grader told me this one.
What’s red and smells like blue paint?
Red paint.
Why does the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
He doesn’t want anyone to know that he’s been screwing a chicken.
A Nun was walking to the Church when a man grabbed her and raped her in some bushes. When he caught his breath, he said he was Catholic and apologized; what are you going to tell Father? Just a man raped me twice in the bushes; you are going to do it again, aren’t you?
Did your hear the one about the redundant man?
He was redundant.
What do you call four Mexicans in quicksand?
Quatro Cinco
You’ll never fly again after listening to this talk – laughs all the way through about British Air Traffic control:
An hilarious view of Hell from one of the masters of comedy:
From Down-Under – the irrepressible Kevin ‘Bloody’ Wilson on Abos:
How do you know if someone is an atheist, vegan or Jew? Don’t worry, they’ll tell you.
When walking out from Sunday serice at First Primitive Freewill Baptist, the minister took a young married couple aside, and said, “Mr Jones was driving past your house last night and saw the two of you dancing. How do you explain that sinful activity?”
“Oh, we weren’t dancing. We were having sex standing up while fully clothed.”