Submitted by: aka.attrition

Zenith Class Tourbillon Men’s Automatic Watch – Only $95,000

David Smith, Deity
5.0 out of 5 stars – I regret not getting this sooner

I remember the day I received this watch.

The moment I clicked the “Confirm Purchase” button, a celestial light bled through the cloudy skies and swept through my duplex. I heard heaven’s voice. My ragged bathrobe and spaghetti sauce laden wife-beater undershirt instantly metamorphosed into an elegant, untouched, and fully tailored tuxedo: a gold-lined cummerbund, 42-carat diamond cufflinks, and a coat that was laced from the pubic ass-hairs of Zeus himself, still odored from the blood of his enemies. My Ikea chair began evolving into a throne – carved by Jesus himself and lumbered from the woods of Narnia – as my hair turned into platinum locks, so lustrous, elegant, and untamed that a jealous and envious Samson would have chosen me over Delilah. I felt like a deity. But it did not end there.

My doorbell rang; I noticed the sound had changed from the hackneyed, generic tritone noise into a cathedral choir of a thousand virgin women singing in harmony to announce the arrival of my watch. I quivered in fear of the presence of such a thing. But alas, I marched onward as each of my steps left a silver-lined footprint on my now diamond-tiled floor. My hands shook and my palms ached as I felt the sweat drip down my nose and onto the floor only to see the perspiration alchemize into liquid gold on my floor. I opened the door and there it was:

The delivery man was fully nude, modeling in a contrapposto fashion – he was engulfed with a halo of warmth and handed me the package. His voice was near orgasmic as I listened to him say: “Sign here, please”. I shuddered in awe as I took the emerald pen and signed my signature with ink from the blood of a unicorn. He vanished in a slow cloud of menthol with a hint of nectar vapor.

I took the package to my now 50-foot dining table and examined it.

The box had a superficial wrapping made from what I could only guess to be the golden fleece, procured from the winged ram of Ancient Greece. I untied the silk bows and unraveled the package and opened the box to discover the watch. The experience was ineffable.

When I laid eyes on the watch, I instantly saw into the eleven theorized dimensions of spacetime. I saw past, future, present, and everything in between. I knew the reasons for everything and knew the reasons to come. String theory was simple arithmetic to me and all the mysteries of life and existence embodied the slow, ticking hands of the watch. I strapped on the watch to my left hand and instantly became ambidextrous. It seared into my skin and it was then that I felt the rush of purity. My diabetes, hepatitis, and hypertension washed away from me. Cancer cells were eradicated from my anatomy and the concept of aging was a thing of the past. My saliva tasted of sweet syrup and nectar. I bled liquid fire. I had obtained immortality.

I must end my review here for I have seen the deterministic events that will entail with the divulging of any further information.

Cal
3.0 out of 5 stars – It ain’t a Timex, but it’ll do

Take it from me, if you’re an underwater welder, don’t wear this sucker to work. It didn’t last 45 seconds at 400 feet laying a bead on that wellhead. But the warranty is good, as is the service at Zenith(still can’t figure out why that dude was crying…it’s just a watch)and they sent me another one in 2 days. And that David Smith guy that reviewed this thing? He must have Amazon Prime or something because my delivery experience wasn’t ANYTHING like his. Although I have to say I appreciated that Zenith sent out the Victoria’s Secret models to deliver it(they are a swell bunch of girls). Don’t get me wrong, I think this watch is great for fancy occasions like beers and karaoke, but whatever you do, don’t spill any kind of liquor on that gator watch band! That thing will smell like a skunk caught in a semi’s radiator!

Eric
4.0 out of 5 stars – Its OK

I got this watch as a small Christmas gift. I liked it but didn’t love it, so I returned it and bought a modest house instead.

Bigdaddy3
2.0 out of 5 stars – Shop around

It is always best to shop around. I saw this same watch on Overstock.com for $85,000.00 The extra $1000.00 I spent on a pair of shoes.

G. Dodge
4.0 out of 5 stars – The Free Shipping Sealed the Deal on a New Me

I was “on the fence” regarding purchase of this timepiece for a number of weeks. I already have so many objects, articles, and accessories whose value is only eclipsed by their mistakability for the more mundane product offerings the middle class are allowed access to purchase through retail, but night after night I returned to this wristwatch while enjoying my evening martini in the gallery.

Its unassuming strap, the incline of the bezel, the smooth gleam of the crown – so many features resonated with me on a very personal level – smitten, really – but such a leap to take! A wristwatch is a commitment, a pact between man and machine, and through the tick of a timepiece do we hear the breath of God Himself reminding us of our inevitable return to His loving, manly bosom.

Then I saw the shipping and handling was free. The stars had aligned!

 

Ryan P. Lackner
3.0 out of 5 stars – Don’t forget to wind it…

All of time and space comes to a halt when the hands stop moving. It would be nice if that was in the manual. Other than that, works great. 3 stars for terrible directions. Shipping was relatively quick, but I guess that’s not such a big deal when you control the fabric of time and space.

 

Xeno
4.0 out of 5 stars I’m really happy with this

My wife left me and now I’m homeless, so minus one star. Otherwise, I’m really happy with this watch. It’ll all be worth it when someone asks me for the time and I whip this beauty out. Ironically, not too many people ask a homeless man for the time.

 

Gone With the Windleys
5.0 out of 5 stars – Incredible!!!!

This watch actually keeps time nearly two seconds per year more accurately than my $80 Timex! Who has time to set their watch back by a minute every 30 years?! not this guy! The $88,000 price difference is worth my peace of mind. Thank you Zenith!

 

GSPmma
5.0 out of 5 stars – And I thought the Zenith Academy watch was a good deal!

I chose the Academy over a new house a few months ago. Today I seen this one and wanted it so bad I went to the bank for a $90,000 loan. They said normally they didn’t hand that much out at once but since I was wearing my Zenith Academy, they knew I meant serious business and were willing to invest in me.

The technology these Zenith watches use to tell time is so advanced, I’m literally 5 seconds in the future every time I wear one. I guess wearing both at once means I’m a whole 10 seconds ahead of the rest of the world. That should come in handy while hiding out from the loan sharks I’ll never be able to pay back.

 

I’m awesome
5.0 out of 5 stars – Love It!

Screw college! This thing is amazing! Who needs an education or a house when you can flash this bad boy and pick up a sugar momma anyway. Thanks Amazon!

 

Forrest Golombeski
5.0 out of 5 stars – Style> education

I was going to send my son to college next year but man I really needed a new watch!

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