Fred Throws Sombrero into Ring, Trump and Biden in Despair, Earth Wobbles in Orbit

Submitted by Keith B.

Guest Post by Fred Reed

I have decided to run in the upcoming Presidential elections as dictator. I am aware of the stress this will cause me, the long hours, the sacrifice, but I sense that the country yearns for me in its desperation, its despair for a Leader. In this week alone I have gotten hundreds of emails urging me to take the reins of government (OK, three emails, but I am rounding up.) At whatever cost, I will answer my country’s call.

Some will object to my certain ascension as voters reach out in their anguish. Naysayers will say “nay,” that being how you know they are naysayers. Skeptics will say,  “But Fred, you have no qualifications as dictator.” To them I reply, “True, but look at what we’ve got.” This is an insuperable argument.

A considerate dictator informs his dictadees of his plans for them and the country.  Herewith a few of the measures I foresee:

On day one I   will pardon Assange, replacing him with Anthony Blinken, who will remain in the cell as long as Assange has. Turn about is fair play, my mother told me.

I will remove all restrictions from Cuba and give it most-favored-nation status. If those wretched pseudo-Cubans in Miami protest, I will have them arrested and left on a desert island somewhere. Preferably one with an active volcano. Cuba is no danger to anyone anywhere, Keeping eleven million perfectly good people in misery, people who make great music and good rum, to please a pack of irritating frauds is political sadism. If you have a desert island, let me know.

I will cancel the B-21 intercontinental nuclear bomber. The only use for an intercontinental nuclear bomber  is to have an intercontinental nuclear war. I don’t see the advantage in it. Further, for the price of one of the damn things we could buy Germany. Then we’d have really good beer.

I will remove all sanctions on Venezuela. If we want their oil, we can jolly well buy it. America isn’t, or should stop being, in international retarded school-yard bully shaking down the kids for their lunch money. This brilliant move, combined with getting out of Cuba, would give America good relations with Latin America for the first time in history.

I will arrest all politicians who appear on television in front of the American flag. I have nothing against the flag. I just don’t think it should be used as an advertising gimmick by useless pols seeking support for their next felony.

Under my Affordable Sidewalks Act, I will order the widening of sidewalks everywhere so that all Americans will have a place to live. Here in Mexico people live in houses but I suppose sidewalks have more fresh air.  In New York I will install raised platforms in the subways so that Americans can sleep out of reach of the rats.  Stalls will sell ammunition if there is any left over after the Ukraine gets all it wants. This is the least government can do for the citizenry.

Looting being serious during natural disasters, I will remedy this by four words, “Looters will be shot.” It is a known fact that shot looters substantially reduce their looting. I may also start twelve-step programs for survivors. Since our cities now amount to natural disasters, the same formula will apply to urban looters, such as smash-and-grab artists.

In hopes of saving some small portion of national treasure for the benefit of Americans, I will have the management of arms firms wrapped in duct tape and dropped down abandoned oil wells. If this doesn’t work, I may take extreme measures. In the meantime I will ask Kiev for a loan of a hundred billion dollars, pledging California as collateral. American infrastructure increasingly looks like something out of the 1840s.  With a hundred billion, I could bring the US to the level of China in 1990..

I will designate the American rail systemin its entirety as a national museum, which would require only the placing of signs. This would prevent embarrassment in the eyes of foreigners who might think us actually at such a level.

I will require that all assault rifles be manufactured with irremovable geo-lockslinked to GPS so that they can be fired only within the United States. This would keep the NRA happy, allow Americans to shoot each other as is their Constitutional right, but keep America from arming Mexico’s drug cartels. When American soldiers invaded other countries they would have to use spears, which might reduce enthusiasm for meddling where they have no business, though this is a long shot.

I will give that sweat-shirted comedian who runs the Ukraine fifteen minutes to start negotiations or I will coat him in bacon rind and feed him to army ants. Which I will probably do anyway after the negotiations. He has killed hundreds of thousands of people, mostly his own but some Russians, while running around the world and having dinner with important people. I will task the Smithsonian with finding the requisite ants and refrain from feeding them for a few days before their application.

I will have John Bolton placed for a year and released then, if I remember,  in the bottom of a public latrine in a bus station in Uganda. I will do this because it will be deeply satisfying but, to enshroud  myself in an aura of rationality and purpose, I will offer it as a measure to prevent war with China–to which end it would in fact militate.

I will have all F-35 fighter planes, the ones that don’t have any parts that work, installed in shopping malls, filled with potting soil, and used as planters. The plants will probably die due to poor drainage or something, but you can’t have everything.

I will put a bounty on congressmen, with no bag limit. I may supply patriots with rental duck guns to further this meritorious measure. No citizen should be deprived of the pleasure of shooting his Congressman simply for lack of suitable armament. With a good catapult, they might make serviceable skeet. The scoundrels do nothing for the country and make too much noise.

I will bring Nancy Pelosi out of retirement and send her to consort with John Bolton. I think solitary confinement is a violation of human rights

I will require that teachers be able to read. This may be thought excessive and unusual, but it is worth a try. For the greater good of the country,I will have teachers colleges filled with linoleum cement with the future miscreants inside. This will  raise the national IQ by at least three points.

I will outlaw computer-driven trading in the stock markets, thus preventing parasites from skimming fortunes they have done nothing to earn. Should they object, I will urge them to reflect that in summer the air conditioning at Leavenworth is said to be inadequate.

I now await a vast up welling of support at the polling stations.

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