A HOMOPHOBE WINDS UP HAVING A GAY TIME IN NYC

FLIRTING WITH THE ENEMY

It was Andrew and Richard who got married. So, there we are at the dinner reception, and Richard is thanking us for coming to such a momentous event, and then he says to Ms Freud; “You’re lucky to have found such a handsome man.” I say to Richard, “Well, if you weren’t married I’d ask you to go see the Superman movie with me.” Ms. Freud says, “Take him off my hands, please!”. Andrew says, “We’re married just three hours and you’re already turning into a whore!”. The whole table is cracking up. Wow. Me … flirting with a gay guy ……. and enjoying it. That’s the kind of evening it was. But, let me start at the beginning.

GOD TOLD ME SO

Yeah, I was a homophobe going way back to high school, where me and the guys made life hell in gym class towards those we suspected of being gay. Then, while in Basic Training the guys had a blanket-party for someone who we knew was gay. I did not take part in the beat-down, but I cheered it on, and did not report the perpetrators when given the opportunity to do so. While in the Air Force I became a born-again Christian. Oh-oh! We all know how God feels about that; Mr. Sausage is only allowed fraternization with Ms. Clamwich. Any other use thereof is evil and verboten. At first I was in the “hate the sin, but love the sinner” camp. But, in all practicality, that’s hard to do for too long a period of time.

As a Christian one is expected to hate what God hates. After 20 years of being preached at regarding the wickedness of homosexuality, and reading it for yourself in the Bible (at least the way THEY want you to interpret the message), and knowing that these people are going straight to hell ….. well, at some point one eventually drifts little-by-little far away from the “love the sinner” ideal, and into full blown god-like hatred for BOTH the sin and sinner. It got so bad for me I couldn’t even stand homogenized milk because it had ‘homo’ at the beginning. That’s really not far from the truth. As most of you know, I eventually embraced Agnosticism. Since there was no deity telling me to hate someone else, of course, the “hate” part went away relatively quickly. But, I still found the lifestyle to be abnormal. My attitude became one of “to each their own” … but, please, keep ‘them’ as far away from me as possible. Some beliefs die very slowly, if ever.

30 MILES OF SQUALOR

The train ride to NYC has always been a depressing one. We’re not talking about the Pacific Coast Highway here. The only green thing you see is the air. We’re talking industrial land; factories of every kind, tool and die shops, warehouses, refineries. Only thing is, they are now mostly empty. It’s about 30 miles of Philly-like squalor, except it’s about industry, not people. For sale / for lease signs, broken glass, caved roofing, dilapidated buildings (even the few that are still open). I did see a lot of convenience stores, bars, check-cashing places, liquor stores, and one “service” type business after another. Maybe the best thing that happened to Germany and Japan in WWII was that we bombed the crap out of them, and they got to build anew. America, at least many parts in the Northeast have a ‘tired-and-old’ feel. Like a worn-out engine desperately trying to not give up the ghost.

Then bam!!!! Out of the middle of nowhere — a few empty acres of dirt, garbage, tires, and glass on the right and an abandoned warehouse on the left —- appears a fancy-shmancy row of new townhouses, literally across the street from the train station. There’s a huge billboard out front proclaiming “Starting prices in the low $500’s”. Certainly the locals aren’t buying them. Almost certainly people working in NYC are. With today’s low interest rates, a $500k home would still be less than rent in the city for a cheap-ass apartment. Anyway, it was weird to see crappy crap homes, then suddenly, these luxury homes. It kind of reminded me of third world countries where there is no middle class. Which, I guess, may happen here someday.

A MOST SOLEMN EXPERIENCE

There were only eight of Richard’s and Andrew’s closest friends at the wedding. After the wedding we all took a short stroll to see the new World Trade Center. It is magnificent. Then we stood in line for an hour and a half to see the Memorial. Trust me, if you’re ever in the city it is a MUST-DO event. (But, buy tickets on-line and you’ll cut your wait time in half, or more.) There were probably a few thousand people in the park. Yet, it was almost as quiet as a church. The reflecting pools are scary magnificent. Scary in that the spot one choose to look into the pool, may very well have been a spot where someone jumped to their death. It is a place that can’t be explained. It is a place that must be experienced.

But I want to talk about a tree. This is from their website —

“The callery pear tree, which miraculously survived the terrorist attacks of September 11th, 2001 on the World Trade Center, blossomed just in time for the first day of spring. The “Survivor Tree” which stood only 8 feet tall when uncovered from the rubble, was badly burnt, and only had one living branch, was transplanted from Ground Zero and efforts were made to nurse it back to health at a nursery in the Bronx. The tree was not expected to survive. Miraculously, in the spring after the attacks, new growth was observed on the tree and it was continued to be nursed back to health. After surviving another incident in March of 2010 in which the tree was uprooted during a storm, the tree has become a symbol of hope and rebirth. After the uprooting of the tree, Mayor Bloomberg said “Again, we and the tree refused to throw in the towel. We replanted the tree, and it bounced back immediately.” The tree was returned to the World Trade Center site, as an integral part of the 9/11 Memorial and a reminder to New Yorkers and Americans “of the thousands of survivors who persevered after the attacks”, and now stands at over 30 feet tall.”.

C’mon! How cool is that?? I thought it was so damn cool that I went and hugged that tree. On the train ride home Ms. Freud and I are recalling the events of the day and she laughingly says, “Flirting with my gay friend, hugging trees, .. what are you going to do next, Save the Whales?”. I said “nah, in keeping the day’s theme I’m going to save the Spotted Dick Owl, unless you’re talking about Moby Dick”. She didn’t think that was very funny. Humor, it IS a difficult thing at times.

WHO THE HELL IS EARL?

So, earlier in the day when introductions were made I was introduced to this black fella named “Earl”. Seemed like a nice guy right off the bat, but very quiet … shy, even. So, back to the restaurant. I happen to be sitting next to Earl. After a few glasses of wine he becomes more talkative. He tells me he earns a living as a musician. Cool. As the conversation progresses he tells me that he got started in music by listening to Chet Atkins, and then eventually played with Chet. He also tells me that his favorite musician … and best friend … is Johnny Mathis. Now, I think JM is okay, but Ms Freud loves him. Earl then says if we ever come visit Atlanta, and if we give him enough lead time, that he would arrange for us to meet Johnny Mathis. Oookaaay. This guy has had too much wine. He goes to the bathroom. I lean over to Richard, tell him about this fantastical conversation, and ask if this Earl guy is for real. Richard says, “Don’t you know who that is??” Yeah, it’s Earl. “No, it’s Earl Klugh!!!”

Well, that new knowledge still did nothing for me. Do you guys know who he is? Richard tells the dumbass (me) that Earl is one of the top 5 guitarists in the world. Goddamn!! Is everybody fuckin drunk at this party? So I google Earl Klough when I get home. Holy shit! Sho ‘nuff, the guy has sold millions of records and CDs, been nominated dozens of times for Grammy’s, and has a slew of #1 hits. And there I was telling him why I thought CCR was one of the greatest groups of all time. What a fuggin dumbass. I gotta make a trip down to Atlanta … assuming Earl doesn’t secretly think I’m a dick.

3 minutes of MY PAL, Earl. Lol

DA JUDGE IS IN DA HOUSE

The Courthouse is a full city block long. Weddings take place on the first floor, and that area runs the length of the building. There must have been 200 people waiting to get married. It was a Human Zoo exhibition. Brides in gorgeous wedding dresses. Brides in jeans. Beautiful brides …. and one bride who was about as fat as an AWD picture who had the most ginormous boobs I’ve ever seen, about 65% exposed, of course … and I stared at them too long and I know this because Ms Freud actually stabbed me in the side with her pen. Now I have this blue dot on my brand new shirt and I feel everyone is looking at me … just like that Seinfeld episode with the red dot on the cashmere sweater. The place was an amalgam of Walmart and Tiffany, with a few Sears folks mixed in. It was a cattle call …”Number C120, report to the chapel.” There were only two “chapels” … small garishly colored and decorated rooms where some low-level clerk performs a quick and dirty ceremony. Well, that’s for most people. Andrew and Richard are not “most people”.

They were married across the street, by a judge, in chambers. Not just any judge … but a New York State Supreme Court Judge, Judge Tingling. You guys would LOVE him … cuz he’s kinda like a mini American Hero. Why? Cuz he told Mayor Joomberg to basically go fuck himself. Here’s a pic of da Judge.

Here’s an article titled “Justice Milton Tingling is the man who doused Mayor Bloomberg’s ban of oversized drinks in city”

http://www.nydailynews.com/new-york/judge-doused-mayor-soda-ban-article-1.1290935

This is a remarkable man, and we got to hang out with him for a while. He introduced himself to all of us, shook out hands, and just chit-chatted before formalities began. He stuck around for quite a while after the ceremony. I noticed that he and Earl were getting along splendidly, laughing it up. I later found out that da Judge knew exactly who Earl was, and even had some of his music. I think Earl also invited da Judge to his home in Atlanta. Maybe me and da judge can go down together. I hope da judge likes CCR.

THE WEDDING
The ceremonial aspects lasted about 15 – 20 minutes. First of all, Judge Tingling told us he only does a handful of weddings a year. He did not have any written notes whatsoever. No teleprompters, either. He spoke directly from the heart. At first, Da Judge had us in stitches. When he asked Richard if he would take Andrew as his lawfully wedded spouse, and Richard said “yes”, da judge said, “Good answer, but you could say ‘I’ll think about it’ and I’ll still marry you”. At another point he said to Andrew, “will you still love Richard when he’s a pain in the you-know-what?” … and a few other zingers, as well. But, when it was time to be serious, he was REALLY serious. He gave about a 7 minute “sermon” where he talked about love, commitment, the trials they would face [as a same-sex couple in Georgia], the importance of ‘sticking to it no matter what’, and that every day of their lives no matter how they feel at the moment that they should do at least one kind, loving thing for the other person, and in so doing love will triumph at the end of every day. There wasn’t a dry eye in the chambers, including mine.

Andrew and Richard each wrote out beautiful vows to each other. I’ll leave the details private. I just want to share my reaction. As I was watching intently and listening closely, it was one thousand percent abundantly clear to me that these two people truly loved each other. To be honest with you, I still don’t know how that’s possible since it is so far removed from what I believed was “the right way to fall in love”. Nevertheless, there was love in that room yesterday, and it didn’t require my approval, or disapproval. Love, just was there. And I felt privileged to be allowed to share in it.

LABELS DON’T MATTER … PEOPLE MATTER

A funny thing happens when you see a person, not a label. You, yourself, becomes more of a person as a result. My parents don’t hate Jews, they just don’t like them. Then one day while in college I introduce them to my Jewish girlfriend, and my dad wouldn’t even come out to meet her. Really. But, as time passes and he sees what a wonderful giving person she was … well, one day he gave her a big hug. He no longer saw a Jew girl. He saw a human being, my girlfriend. Neither parent would go to my younger son’s wedding. He committed the unspeakable sin of marrying a black girl. But, as time passes he sees what a wonderful wife and doting mother she is and “suddenly” she is no longer a “Schwartze”, but a human being, the mother of his grandchildren. And, yeah, he hugs her now also.

So as we are having dinner, laughing, and having a helluva great evening, I wasn’t thinking that I was having a great time with two homosexuals. No. I was having the time of my life with two people who got married. I’m lucky they consider me a friend. And I’m damn happy they are mine.

Author: Stucky

I'm right, you're wrong. Deal with it. View all posts by Stucky