FLORIDA—In a stern warning issued to all residents of Florida, authorities strongly recommended that citizens evacuate the state, “not because of a hurricane or anything, but just because it’s Florida.”
Officials confirmed there was no danger from any hurricanes or other tropical storms at this time, but suggested that Floridians still pack up and leave and never come back.
“Your state is always humid, it’s packed to the brim with old people, and you literally have 12-foot-long dinosaurs lurking in swamps. Why the heck are you still there?” said a National Weather Service representative. “Like, it just doesn’t make any sense.”
“Seriously—what’s up with the dinosaurs though?” he added, shaking his head in a fearful disgust.
While some residents suggested they like the many attractions and beaches, officials still strongly warned against staying in the state. “If you choose to stay, you are putting your life and future sanity at risk, and that’s on you.”
Further reasons for the evacuation cited by authorities included large bugs, lots of tourists all the time, and the ever-present possibility of the state sinking into the sea. “If the old people don’t get you, the angry seas will one day consume you. This is your final warning.”
If the Useful Idiots elect Andrew Gillum (the Communist Tallahassee Mayor) for Governor on 6Nov2018, I will leave for a much better political environment in the Blue Mountains of Tennessee in 2019. PS: Many South Florida Natives have already moved to escape Yankees. PS.PS: I live a couple miles from the Wacissa River and two times four foot alligators have visited my land looking for some chickens or dogs to eat. You don’t have to be a Yankee liberal walking your children or dog near a pond to disappear. If Yankee Liberals in WDC who make all the Rules for all the States (unConstitutionally by the way) had enough sense to park a bicycle straight, the rule would be that any alligator caught within 1 mile of human habitation may disappear at the discretion of an Intelligent Southerner.
Hmmm. Hard to argue with him on the ‘sanity’ thing. He’s right there. The people that would appreciate the humor of this, and would consider leaving the state, are exactly the type that need to stay there. If it wasn’t for the never ending horde of liberals fleeing the situations they voted for in the north east, it would be a great place to live. It still is, in a lot of areas. Travel 10 miles inland and you will find some of the most conservative places in the country. Unfortunately, most of the people, as in most of the voters, live near the coast, and they see it as their duty to turn the state into exactly what caused them to flee in the first place.
But, ya, it is humid. That shit gets old. You’ll miss fall down there, thats for sure.
It is at the ripping point now: four South Florida Yankee (Liberal) counties plus nearly a half dozen Liberal counties around Tallahassee (FSU) and Gainesville (UF) out vote the rest of the state (67 Counties). I know how the Plains Indians felt in the 1800s.
I live here, SOFLA. This is not satire.