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5 DAYS FROM SATIRE TO REALITY
Tag: The Onion
The Onion Predicted All Of This Back in 2003
Guest Post by Carey Wedler
(ANTIMEDIA) “George W. Bush may think that a war against Iraq is the solution to our problems, but the reality is, it will only serve to create far more,” read a 2003 article on The Onion a week after then-President George Bush launched the Iraq War. While a wide variety of organizations and individuals also rebuked that invasion, the satirical newspaper offered one of the most accurate assessments to date. So accurate, in fact, it all but predicted the rise of the Islamic State.
In the mock-debate piece, entitled, “This War Will Destabilize The Entire Mideast Region And Set Off A Global Shockwave Of Anti-Americanism vs. No It Won’t,” The Onion highlighted the very real risks of war.
As fictional debater Nathan Eckert warned:
“This war will not put an end to anti-Americanism; it will fan the flames of hatred even higher. It will not end the threat of weapons of mass destruction; it will make possible their further proliferation. And it will not lay the groundwork for the flourishing of democracy throughout the Mideast; it will harden the resolve of Arab states to drive out all Western (i.e. U.S.) influence.”
He continued:
“If you thought Osama bin Laden was bad, just wait until the countless children who become orphaned by U.S. bombs in the coming weeks are all grown up. Do you think they will forget what country dropped the bombs that killed their parents? In 10 or 15 years, we will look back fondly on the days when there were only a few thousand Middle Easterners dedicated to destroying the U.S. and willing to die for the fundamentalist cause. From this war, a million bin Ladens will bloom.”
Continue reading “The Onion Predicted All Of This Back in 2003”
Family Has Strict No Smartphone Rule While Eating Dinner In Front Of TV
TRUMBULL, CT—Saying it’s the only time of day when everyone can be together in one place, the Gleason family confirmed Thursday that it strictly forbids smartphones to be used while eating dinner in front of the television. “Dinner is a chance for us to sit down as a whole family—is it really so much to ask that everyone puts down their phone for just one hour while we eat and watch some TV?” said mother Diane Gleason, adding that the rule gives the busy family of four a chance to enjoy shows stored on DVR without getting sidetracked by checking Facebook, playing games, or reading text messages. “We’re all so attached to our devices that we sometimes forget about taking time to come together for a little while, set aside our technological distractions, and watch The Big Bang Theory as a family. The kids may groan about it, but if it wasn’t for dinner, none of us might be caught up on any shows at all.” Gleason went on to say that even she had days when she’d rather be on her phone than watching The Voice, but knew it was important for the family that she follow the household rule at all times.
How To Protect Yourself Against Ebola
This week saw the first confirmed case of Ebola virus within the United States, the latest development in an outbreak that has already claimed over 3,000 lives. Here are some ways you can protect yourself against this deadly disease:
- Boil all bodily fluids before consumption.
- Regularly examine your DNA under an electron microscope for any indication that Ebola has attached itself to your cell membranes.
- Recognize the symptoms of Ebola, which include fever, chills, and developing symptoms too late to do anything about them.
- Cover the nose and mouth of Ebola patients when they sneeze to avoid spreading germs.
- Avoid eating bat soup, which is actually pretty sound advice whether there’s an ongoing Ebola outbreak or not.
- Ebola can only be spread once patients are symptomatic, so if you believe you’ve been exposed, get all your errands and public trips out of the way before your symptoms start showing.
- Be sure to stay up to date on developments by signing up for the official CDC phone tree.
- Try being born one of the 15 percent of rural Gabonese citizens with natural immunity to the virus.
- Give billions of dollars to pharmaceutical companies.
- If you see a suspicious-looking filamentous virus particle roughly one micron in length, stay away.
- Continue following lifelong plan of avoiding Dallas, TX at all costs.