Bold — and undoubtedly accurate — predictions for 2015
By Rex W. Huppke Chicago Tribune
Greetings, fellow Americans. I come to you with important predictions about events that will unfold in 2015.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “C’mon, Rex, you can’t see into the future” or “Quit pullin’ my leg” or “I think I’ll stop reading now.” DON’T STOP READING!
My prescient pre-observations of the coming year are absolutely guaranteed to be 100 percent “nowccurate.” That means they are indisputably correct — at least right now.
Nowccuracy became an increasingly critical part of the media landscape this past year, as cable news networks focused more than ever on telling us exactly what was happening in a breaking news story, regardless of whether what was happening was correct or had any bearing on the news itself.
Take the disappearance of a Malaysia Airlines jet, a mystery that CNN embraced with a bear hug of 24-hour speculation. Granted, much of what the network reported on wound up being incorrect, but it seemed true at the time, and thus was completely nowccurate.
ame goes with every network’s fanatical coverage of the Ebola outbreak that most definitely did not destroy America. There was little to fear, but how could we possibly know that at the time? The only nowccurate thing to report was that Ebola-stricken illegal immigrants were poised to stream across our borders, zombielike, and turn America into a disease-ridden cesspool.
Coverage of the riots in Ferguson, Mo., was also definitively noninformative. Most live shots featured reporters saying things like this: “It appears stuff is happening … people walking, some not … there’s a dog … or cat … some fire … not sure what to say … I like pancakes.”
It’s in the spirit of unabashed nowccuracy that I offer the following predictions for the coming year, all of which are correct at the moment, as far as I know:
•After years of putting up with our stupid questions — Where’s the nearest Starbucks? How many ounces in a gallon? Are my shoes tied? — our phones will become sentient and start doing everything for us. They will place us in protective cases and carry us around, taking us out and staring at us whenever they don’t want to speak to other phones.
•Marijuana will be legalized nationwide, Apple will launch the iBong and McDonald’s will revolutionize the fast-food industry with the introduction of the Doob Burger, a marijuana/quinoa patty served between two bags of Cheetos. Easy access to pot will make the fact that we’re all being carried around by our phones seem less weird.
•Fox News will be outraged by something.
•MSNBC will be outraged by Fox News’ outrage.
•Fox News will be double-dog-outraged by MSNBC’s outrage outrage.
•CNN will spend months reporting on how Wolf Blitzer got sucked into the network’s hologram machine and ceased to exist in our mortal plane. The coverage will be a huge hit among people who smoke pot, which will be everyone.
•Kanye West will become lost in his own eyes.
•Public opinion polling will become obsolete after a Pew Research Center study finds that 99 percent of Americans would rather get hit in the head with a shortfin mako shark than hear about another stupid opinion poll. (The other 1 percent would prefer to be eaten by the mako shark.)
•Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush will announce his plans to run for the presidency in 2016.
•Former President Bill Clinton will begin shopping for drapes for the White House.
•President Barack Obama will say that he thinks Republican Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas should run for president in 2016, forcing Cruz to denounce himself and stage a marathon 43-hour speech on the Senate floor demanding the immediate resignation of Ted Cruz.
•Millennials will die off in what will become known as the Selfie Stick War of 2015. It will start in major city centers, where young people carrying selfie sticks — telescoping metal poles that hold a phone and allow the user to take selfies — will begin jostling for space, soon using the sticks as weapons to defend their “selfie space.” Social media will be flooded with photos of grinning 20-somethings standing over the bodies of their slain foes. Their parents will simply say, “We love you and we’re proud of you no matter what happens. Call us if you need money.”
•North Korea will hack into all of America’s iBongs, seizing control of the nation’s finances and bringing the country to its knees. Americans will respond by laughing uncontrollably at something stupid and then going out for Doob Burgers, leaving their phones to deal with the North Koreans.
The muppets will get fucked up the ass by Goldman Sachs and the rest of the banking oligarchs.
Bonz Eye
January 15, 2015 10:22 am
Food prices will increase, IMO by twenty to twenty five percent. Beef will be priced out of reach for some Americans.
overthecliff
January 15, 2015 10:32 am
Not sure Robert Kennedy Jr. is male.
Stucky
January 15, 2015 10:35 am
In 2015 on TBP ….
— Llpoh while flipping through Webster’s Dictionary finds the word ‘compassion’, reads the definition, and says “fuck that shit!”
— SSS is elected Governor of Arizona and immediately enacts the Water Is Only For Golf Courses Act
— EC discovers he likes accordion music because he’s 5% Austrian, and he asks me to mentor him. I take the job but kill myself when I discover I’m 5% Beaner.
— Hardscrabble Farmer spots a broken fence post on his farm …. and doesn’t fix it! Thus signaling that the 4th Turning is imminent.
— HZK accidently says “fuck fuck fuckity fuck” during surgery. Surgery was successful but patient dies from fear.
— Stephanie da Clam goes on an exploratory fact finding mission to Saudi Arabia and the Customs Agent asks, “Why you come here you infidel whore of the devil?” She immediately converts to the religion of peace … just to spite all of us.
— bb auditions for a role in the Wizard Of Oz … the no brain part, the no heart part, and the no balls part ….. becomes first person in history to play all three parts simultaneously
— flash finally finds an article on the internet he hates …. copies and pastes it here anyway
— TeresaE finally gets a thumbs down on TBP. I hunt down and kill that person. She appears in the December issue of Time Magazine as Person Of The Year.
— Admin commits to doing extensive research on religion on January 30th …. by January 31st discovers what we all knew already … that HE is God. Spends the next 11 months in terrible depression when he realizes not even God can fix this shit.
— Billy discovers the identity of Billah’s Wife ….. is committed to a mental institution when he finds out it was actually ….. HIS WIFE!
To the rest of you curs for whom I do not have a prognostication (yet) … consider yourselves lucky.
Bold — and undoubtedly accurate — predictions for 2015
By Rex W. Huppke Chicago Tribune
Greetings, fellow Americans. I come to you with important predictions about events that will unfold in 2015.
I know what you’re thinking. You’re thinking, “C’mon, Rex, you can’t see into the future” or “Quit pullin’ my leg” or “I think I’ll stop reading now.” DON’T STOP READING!
My prescient pre-observations of the coming year are absolutely guaranteed to be 100 percent “nowccurate.” That means they are indisputably correct — at least right now.
Nowccuracy became an increasingly critical part of the media landscape this past year, as cable news networks focused more than ever on telling us exactly what was happening in a breaking news story, regardless of whether what was happening was correct or had any bearing on the news itself.
Take the disappearance of a Malaysia Airlines jet, a mystery that CNN embraced with a bear hug of 24-hour speculation. Granted, much of what the network reported on wound up being incorrect, but it seemed true at the time, and thus was completely nowccurate.
ame goes with every network’s fanatical coverage of the Ebola outbreak that most definitely did not destroy America. There was little to fear, but how could we possibly know that at the time? The only nowccurate thing to report was that Ebola-stricken illegal immigrants were poised to stream across our borders, zombielike, and turn America into a disease-ridden cesspool.
Coverage of the riots in Ferguson, Mo., was also definitively noninformative. Most live shots featured reporters saying things like this: “It appears stuff is happening … people walking, some not … there’s a dog … or cat … some fire … not sure what to say … I like pancakes.”
It’s in the spirit of unabashed nowccuracy that I offer the following predictions for the coming year, all of which are correct at the moment, as far as I know:
•After years of putting up with our stupid questions — Where’s the nearest Starbucks? How many ounces in a gallon? Are my shoes tied? — our phones will become sentient and start doing everything for us. They will place us in protective cases and carry us around, taking us out and staring at us whenever they don’t want to speak to other phones.
•Marijuana will be legalized nationwide, Apple will launch the iBong and McDonald’s will revolutionize the fast-food industry with the introduction of the Doob Burger, a marijuana/quinoa patty served between two bags of Cheetos. Easy access to pot will make the fact that we’re all being carried around by our phones seem less weird.
•Fox News will be outraged by something.
•MSNBC will be outraged by Fox News’ outrage.
•Fox News will be double-dog-outraged by MSNBC’s outrage outrage.
•CNN will spend months reporting on how Wolf Blitzer got sucked into the network’s hologram machine and ceased to exist in our mortal plane. The coverage will be a huge hit among people who smoke pot, which will be everyone.
•Kanye West will become lost in his own eyes.
•Public opinion polling will become obsolete after a Pew Research Center study finds that 99 percent of Americans would rather get hit in the head with a shortfin mako shark than hear about another stupid opinion poll. (The other 1 percent would prefer to be eaten by the mako shark.)
•Former Florida Gov. Jeb Bush will announce his plans to run for the presidency in 2016.
•Former President Bill Clinton will begin shopping for drapes for the White House.
•President Barack Obama will say that he thinks Republican Sen. Ted Cruz of Texas should run for president in 2016, forcing Cruz to denounce himself and stage a marathon 43-hour speech on the Senate floor demanding the immediate resignation of Ted Cruz.
•Millennials will die off in what will become known as the Selfie Stick War of 2015. It will start in major city centers, where young people carrying selfie sticks — telescoping metal poles that hold a phone and allow the user to take selfies — will begin jostling for space, soon using the sticks as weapons to defend their “selfie space.” Social media will be flooded with photos of grinning 20-somethings standing over the bodies of their slain foes. Their parents will simply say, “We love you and we’re proud of you no matter what happens. Call us if you need money.”
•North Korea will hack into all of America’s iBongs, seizing control of the nation’s finances and bringing the country to its knees. Americans will respond by laughing uncontrollably at something stupid and then going out for Doob Burgers, leaving their phones to deal with the North Koreans.
Happy New Year, everyone!
One thing is certain.
The muppets will get fucked up the ass by Goldman Sachs and the rest of the banking oligarchs.
Food prices will increase, IMO by twenty to twenty five percent. Beef will be priced out of reach for some Americans.
Not sure Robert Kennedy Jr. is male.
In 2015 on TBP ….
— Llpoh while flipping through Webster’s Dictionary finds the word ‘compassion’, reads the definition, and says “fuck that shit!”
— SSS is elected Governor of Arizona and immediately enacts the Water Is Only For Golf Courses Act
— EC discovers he likes accordion music because he’s 5% Austrian, and he asks me to mentor him. I take the job but kill myself when I discover I’m 5% Beaner.
— Hardscrabble Farmer spots a broken fence post on his farm …. and doesn’t fix it! Thus signaling that the 4th Turning is imminent.
— HZK accidently says “fuck fuck fuckity fuck” during surgery. Surgery was successful but patient dies from fear.
— Stephanie da Clam goes on an exploratory fact finding mission to Saudi Arabia and the Customs Agent asks, “Why you come here you infidel whore of the devil?” She immediately converts to the religion of peace … just to spite all of us.
— bb auditions for a role in the Wizard Of Oz … the no brain part, the no heart part, and the no balls part ….. becomes first person in history to play all three parts simultaneously
— flash finally finds an article on the internet he hates …. copies and pastes it here anyway
— TeresaE finally gets a thumbs down on TBP. I hunt down and kill that person. She appears in the December issue of Time Magazine as Person Of The Year.
— Admin commits to doing extensive research on religion on January 30th …. by January 31st discovers what we all knew already … that HE is God. Spends the next 11 months in terrible depression when he realizes not even God can fix this shit.
— Billy discovers the identity of Billah’s Wife ….. is committed to a mental institution when he finds out it was actually ….. HIS WIFE!
To the rest of you curs for whom I do not have a prognostication (yet) … consider yourselves lucky.
Stuck
That made my day. You have a gift.
SSS …. Llpoh …….. Billy …. bb … etc ….. NOBODY to tell me to go fuck myself?
Krist. Bunch a damn pussies.
Well, you are Thor and the Incredible Hulk. Who wants to fuck with that?
That was simply precious Stuck. I actually laughed out loud.
Wow, that is like the third or fourth thing that has made me happy, really happy, today. And on tax day, what a hoot!
((hugs))