Below was Muck’s last Muck’s Minute post on May 31, 2018. You could tell his heart was broken. When his wife of 62 years died, you knew his will to keep fighting his cancer was waning. He hadn’t commented since his last post. I tried emailing him, with no response. His grandson Jake commented this morning that his grandfather had passed. From his dozens of posts and hundreds of comments over the years, it was clear Mike had lived a fascinating and eventful life, full of adventure and self sufficiency.
He embodied what everyone on TBP admires in a man. He loved his wife and his kids and sacrificed his own retirement to help them. He was crotchety and grumpy, like most of the old timers on TBP. I thank him for all his contributions and wisdom bestowed on this website and its readers. He wasn’t big on religion, but I hope he was happily surprised when arriving at the pearly gates. Mike Endres lived a life that we should all emulate.
All 56 of his articles are archived on the right side of the page for those who want to enjoy the wisdom of our great friend.
A fresh Muck’s Minute – and not a happy one either. In fact, this Muck’s Minute completely flips ‘Ol Muck ass-from-teakettle and a lot of tears have been shed since you last heard from me.
Since my last posting of Muck’s Minute # 55 there have been some miserable changes in my life.
My lovely wife of 62 years died suddenly on February 21 of this year from a heart attack – so damn fast and absolutely nothing could be done about it. She spent 4 days in the local hospital (and I could get zip -squat as far as information from physicians or nurses assigned to her case) and was then advised by the attending nurse to seriously consider palliative care — which in medical language means keeping the patient comfortable and pain free without dealing with the underlying illness or problem. The patient is, in effect dying and with sufficient morphine, the heart will be squeezed slowly until it fails and the patient dies.
So my sweet Annette was quietly transferred by EMT to Cornerstone Hospice near where we live and I spent two days by her side. At about 2 AM on the third day, I was holding her hand and gently stroking it when I felt her pulse flutter, wildly stutter stepping and suddenly stopped and my heart broke.
Since life does not stop with the death of one partner, the one left behind must then try and determine how to: 1) minimize the extreme emotional pain that comes with the loss of a well loved life partner and 2) try to martial your thoughts about what comes next as far as your own life is concerned using a mind that is a total wreck and capable of only incoherent thought.
The thoughts of suicide slide smoothly and ever so temptingly across my mind. I know damn well, that suicide will cause my internal pain to stop – but then what about causing even more pain for others in the family, two daughters, five grandsons and 6 great grand children.
Damn responsibility anyhow.
At what point in life can one make decisions about yourself without having to dwell on possible pain and upset to others?
My youngest daughter is, sadly, showing increasing instability, constantly on the look out for doctors who will dole out hydrocodone to her and in the past few months since her Mother died, is having trouble completing a sentence, and often, what she says really makes very little sense.
I have put my home in Florida up for sale and relocated to Arizona (Cottonwood – at least for now) where my older daughter resides. There were too many clues and reminders in Florida where we had lived for 23 years for me to cope with. Every time I’d turn around, there was something that reminded me of Annette. Moving to AZ has not helped much – but it has given me a modified outlook, new things to learn and hopefully, distract yours truly from 62 years of the best there was in a marriage and relationship.
Annette and I were pretty sure I was the one going to pass first – I mean after all, on my side, I had a stent, then triple bypass followed shortly by leukemia. Seven years of radiation treatment later, the leukemia morphed into lymphoma, got more aggressive and required chemotherapy. Well, not really chemo because my DNA had the right marker on it (CD-21) which allowed the use of monoclonal antibody – kill the bad cells without wiping out the good ones..
Seven more years of remission and back the lymphoma comes. Repeat treatment two. I have a port in my chest and get my Retuxan every 4 – 8 weeks if the blood work and scans I have done indicates the need.
Gee, life can be complex can’t it?
I’ve run off at the keyboard long enough and you know more now about my situation than I expected to broadcast — so it’s time to quit and put my mind on something TBPers would find more enjoyable!
End #56
I’m sorry for your loss, it is often the case that the squeaking hinge gets the oil and the other one breaks.
Sorry for your loss Muck.
Peace & Prayers.
Please accept my sympathy for your loss.
Hang in there: You still have quite a bit to teach your loved ones, so you have every reason to greet each new day.
Muck – you have been in my thoughts, and just yesterday I was hoping that we would hear from you. I am fond of few souls, as is my way. You are one such. Thank you so much for sharing. Hope you can find some peace. Your friend, llpoh.
@Llpoh: Thanks so much for the kind thoughts. Over the past three months, since Annettes’ passing, and I have been essentially “out of service”, one of the reasons I wrote this piece is to provoke reply from Llpoh who I also consider a friend of the highest kind.
I’d love to come visit down-under but at 80 1/2 years with lymphoma, failing joints and muscle pain in the back (across the shoulder blades and hips) I might not even make the trip successfully. Too bad as I like to shake your hand before vacating this veil of tears..
I send along my love to you and yours..
Muck
Like Lloph, I was thinking about you recently and wondering how you were doing. Can’t imagine the heartache and loss involved. There are no words. Here is hoping you find some peace in your relocation to Arizona.
Sorry to hear of your loss Muck.
Muck, there are no words. Only tears.
Muck, I am so sorry for your loss.
My mom just passed away one month ago, her heart also gave out after a long battle with congestive heart failure.
My brother and three sisters stayed with our father at their apartment for two days and nights while mom held on to life. For those two days I contemplated about their life together quite a bit. Mom and dad were married 62 years, had five children, 11 grandchildren and 14 great grandchildren.
After the funeral my father spoke openly about ending it all, I can’t comprehend the loss you must be feeling and it makes me wonder what I would do and feel in the same situation.
Life is indeed very complex and the meaning is so fucking pointless sometimes. All the fucking shit in this world we are always so concerned about….. Until the one person that means the world to us is no longer on this earth, all that other shit is now meaningless.
The only saving grace for my father is he is in the middle stages of dementia and we fear will advance faster now that the reason for his being is gone, and soon his memories of his wife will also be gone.
Muck, my sincere condolences, I have no idea what you are going through, but after 38 years of marriage, I can imagine.
I have a large nose, it is running and my eyes are leaking, got to go. fuck.
Reminds me of Stucky and his father. Both of you experienced a very positive happening which eludes most of us. Be very, very grateful of that and go forward with a smile.
My regards
?
!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
The days of wine and roses must end. The bottle comes empty, the petals fall. It seems the pain at the end equals the pleasures of the past. Is this the circle of life?
We are but stardust and eternal
My deepest condolences.
Muck,
I am sorry for your loss.
With your loving words of your 62 years with Annette, it gives hope to me that my bride & I will continue in happiness, as we have for these short 40 years.
Condolences to you, Muck, and your family.
You are obviously a warrior/survivor. I hope you continue to triumph over your maladies.
Hang in there, and may your heart be strong.
Please accept my condolences, Muck.
The author of the book “Man’s Search for Meaning”, Victor Frankl, once wrote of a man who was in terrible grief after losing his wife. When the man was asked if he would rather have had it be her suffering alone without him, he found meaning in the way things were. He could carry that burden instead of her.
May you never forget the good times. And may you find comfort, and renewed vigor, in the presence of those who remain with you now.
Hi Unc – good to hear from you if only on a miserable subject.
The point made by Victor Frankl, which is valid as I would never put anyone though what Annette went through. I would go through it in her place without a thought would there a way to do it. The trouble is that the one left behind is tagged with far more pain, tears and agony than the one who is gone.
There is no winner in death; only pain.
Thanks for the comment Unc and my best to you and yours..
Muck
God blesses.
Muck, I am deeply saddened by your loss. I know there are no words to comfort a person that has lost such an integral part of themselves as loved one , but I trust you can find peace in the essential work of being the father and grandfather that your family needs you to be. I will keep you and your family in my thoughts and prayers.
Thanks Flash..
Muck
Sorry Muck.
You asked: “At what point in life can one make decisions about yourself without having to dwell on possible pain and upset to others?” I think the answer to this is: never. Life seems most tolerable (beautiful even sometimes) when one’s focus remains on others.
I know it is sunny in Florida, but it rains a lot too. Good move heading out to the state of eternal sunshine!
To the light,
Mercy
We wish we could help and know we can’t. Thoughts are with you.
Muck, I don’t know you, but I can feel your pain thru the words you shared.
My father died in ’14 after nearly 65 yrs of marriage, and my mother grieves to this day. It changes, becomes different as the days, weeks, months go by, but as she so often says, ” it’s a hole in my heart that will never heal, an emptiness I cannot describe.” But she has purpose; living one day at a time for our Lord, so that she can see my daddy again.
I pray that your pain lessens and your beautiful memories can help your healing. May God hold you in His arms for comfort and strength.
I can’t even begin to imagine the impact of your loss.
Our door is open if you need a place to hang your hat for a while, any time.
We’re wishing you peace, Muck.
I thank you more than I can express for such a generous offer, HS.. It is no more than I would expect from such a good, brave and thoughtful man
I know in my heart of hearts that I’d no doubt benefit greatly from your offer and yet I must decline. I also know we’d get along fine in the short run, yet nothing but a burdening great the problem is that I’m 80 1/2,rotten health and I wouldn’t wish me on anyone. I’d very likely soon be dependent on people for food, cleaning, getting dressed and so forth and such like.
I couldn’t stand stand any existence like that.
A year ago ago I swore that when I was unable to take care of my personal needs out I’d go. That still goes. So depending on how Mother Nature treats me, I may not have to take matter into my own hands after all.. First cheerful thought I’ve have in three months.
My condolences to you and your family.
Hugs to you Muck. Welcome to Arizona. If you need a soul healing wilderness retreat, you’re always welcome here in northwest AZ. (Seriously.) Condolences to you and your family. This too will pass…
Thanks Amazing, AZ., for another lovely offer which I thank you, yet must decline. At 80 1/2, my antifreeze zone is only effective as far as 4000 feet. Up in the Sandias,my antifreeze is frozen solid.
No the less, all the offers coming out today is cheering an old man’s heart.
I thank all of you for this overwhelming good will.
Muck
I’m sorry for your loss. My only suggestion to get you through things would be to drive to Sedona everyday, and sit somewhere where you can bathe in the beauty and serenity of one of the most heavenly places on earth.
I can’t imagine your grief. My wife and I have been together since our 1st date on 12/31/68, and I don’t know how I would live without her loving companionship.
Asking the Holy Spirit to hold you close.
As we advance in age the events that bring sadness and pain increase the more time goes by. Life is short and inevitably painful, but the satisfaction of family and great partnerships like yours make it so worthwhile. No regrets in a life well lived. Sorry for your loss. God bless.
Well Muck you and I have had our differences but I have enjoyed your stories . I’m not sure what to say except may my Lord give you the strength and Grace to carry on.
Muck Even though it feels like an eternity for each passing day…
Annette will be waiting for you when your time to pass comes…
Don’t rush it ; )
None of us are getting out of here alive…
Keep the faith that Annette had for you…
Finish those things you always wanted to do but never had the time to do it…
Blessings to you all those who loved Annette…
Ange, nice sentiment but Muck does not believe in an afterlife. The problem is here and now. He asks –
At what point in life can one make decisions [that will impact others?]
This is a terrible time to be alive when you are alone and sick.
I lost someone with the same name under different circumstances but it leaves you reeling just the same. A great part of you is gone like a shattered mirror that will never again show you the real you. A jumble of memories flash through your mind and you clutch at all of them at once like you were in the money booth trying to grab the precious bills. Then the realistic dreams come and you know they are a gift from your mind just before it erases them forever. Maybe not forever but it will take much digging to come up with the little details that you took for granted.
We will have Muck here for a long time in the form of his writing. Maybe he can preserve her memory here in writing. Muck, you sit upon a treasure like the Pirates of the Caribbean scene where a pirate skeleton guards a lavish treasure of gold that no one will ever find. What hurts more, to lose the memory or to hold on to it? I read one time about a man adrift, the sea threatened to take away everything he had by the simple act of drowning him.
Muck did the manly thing by not leaving his wife a widow, took care of her to the end. There’s a man to emulate and hope that we can be as strong as he in his weakest moments. Godspeed, Muck.
@Anon: Your last paragraph made me cry. Thank you so very much.
You are correct in that I am not able to convince myself of a life to be lived after death. Anyone familiar in the broadest terms with the science of evolution (and evolution is a science) who is able to apply critical thought must come to the same conclusion .
Nothing would make me happier than to be found wrong.
Muck
You break my heart, Muck. I had more to write above but it would have gone off topic. Since you open the door to it:
I have a few comments, none connected but they are random ideas that come to mind on this occasion.
1. “So faith comes by hearing, and hearing by the word of Christ.”
No amount of rationalizing or logical argument will ever convince you that there is a spiritual realm or a supreme being.
2. “Ask, and it shall be given you; seek, and ye. shall find; knock, and it shall be opened unto you: For every one that asketh receiveth; and he that seeketh. findeth; and to him that knocketh it shall be opened.”
I don’t know what this means, I wanted the verse that says, even before you ask, he has answered. Instead, this one came up. I thought I had more for you Muck, but it seems this will have to do for today.
I recall the pastor said, you do not understand why you go through these things but one day you will. I was in a dark place once. I was as lost as a person can be in any place. She was gone and I had nobody to turn to, absolutely nobody would do if it wasn’t her. Out of the darkness of my soul, a light came on and I felt an urge to listen to a particular song. It’s a song written and reserved for the heart that’s broke.
The song EC posted is “Why Me Lord” sung by Kris Kristofferson.
It’s a great song. EC, I know you know this because you never forget anything, but KK is in my Top 5 favorite singers of all time. Thanks for posting it. Now that tune will play in my head the rest of the day … and I don’t mind that at all.
’tis true… managing the affairs of the family, even in the most ritual of ways, is important to men like Muck. And like Poppa. And like Nick. I promised him he would outlive me.
Muck- I was just thinking about you this week and why we have not heard from you. Thanks for the MM#56 and my best wishes that you will hang in there in AZ.
It is possible that you have been left behind on this Earthly plane for a purpose. Try to save your daughter from the grips of the opioids and share your wisdom with the grands and great-grands as you are very wise and very needed. It will all become clear as time passes and when the time has come that your work is done, you will join your sweet Annette.
Sincerely,
BL
I’m so sorry for your loss. I think it’s a good thing that you moved to Arizona and I will be praying
for you.
Condolences.
“When the sun has set, no candle can replace it.”
― George R.R. Martin
I read this earlier this morning and it has been on my mind/heart ever since. Just want to say thank you for sharing something that is real and actually important and relevant to a lot of folk’s lives. I said a prayer for you and hope that as you journey through this transition that you will hold tight to what is dear. It sounds like many people love you and there is no doubt that your creator loves you.
Damn,sorry about your loss.I while not a religious person in the regular sense believe in a next life due to,well…..,the fact of this life,may your wife enjoy the next chapter in life and hope you enjoy the kids/grandkids ect. and as time passes enjoy life a bit more each day.I know seems hard at moment but it happens,in a year lost me dad and eight friends,all separate instances and wondered the value of going on,but I did and now see the value.While these folks are gone in this life they are not dead as long as we remember them,peace.
“At what point in life can one make decisions about yourself without having to dwell on possible pain and upset to others?” ——– Muck
When your wife of 62 years dies. That’s when. You’ve done enough for others. Now it’s time for you. Screw that responsibility crap. Be responsible for you.
I’m just being honest. I have kids and grandkids and an ailing mom and all that. The ONLY reason I’m still in Shit Jersey is because of my taking responsibility for my mom … even though she hardly appreciates a single damned thing I do, and spends her life moaning and complaining. When she’s gone I’m gonna do whatever the hell I want, when I want, and the people in my life can come along for the ride … or, take a hike. I ain’t no spring chicken and sometimes I wonder if there’s even a me left inside me. ha.
Hey, I’m not saying kill yourself!!! Got it? I’m saying fuck that responsibility crap. You’ve done enough.
You haven’t been around for a while. I just knew something was up. So very very sad for your loss.
Hang in there. What else can one do, right?
You are one big lumberjack-hearted (or booted?) monkey.
Mag — I don’t whether to accept that for good or evil..
Muck
Stucky is the flannel shirted lumberjack who brings Babe the Blue Ox to fix all concerns. TBP’s own Paul Bunyan.
Is meant with affection for both you and the lumberjack.
It is my hope Muck saw this. If not, perhaps he sees it now.
Hey Stuck…..It’s a lot easier said than done to toss aside 62 years of responsibility, throw in the towel and just walk away from it. I can’t do it. But I’ll work on it.
But I will do my best to do as you have advised to “hang in there”. That seems to be the more or less general opinion of the “TBS survival crew”..
muck
I saw this earlier today but was unable to comment due to an appointment to take the big dogs to the vet. I remember when a friend’s mother passed away with a sudden massive coronary that shocked her husband so badly he continued to say “Did that really happen to my Mary? Is she really gone?” for days. She was vacuuming and the cord was caught so she bent over to pull it from a chair leg, he said, and he heard her fall and when he got to her (across the room) she was gone.
I am so very sorry it happened to his “Mary” and to your Annette, Muck. To all those who have lost someone so very special in that the moment your life changed by their absence is an impossible moment frozen in memory: “Did that really happen to that person I loved? Are they really gone in such a sudden, inexplicable way?”
I have heard that time indeed heals all wounds. What they forgot to tell us is that the wounds may seal up and scar over, but the pain almost never goes away for some wounds. I have very frank discussions with my doctor regarding pain medicines. I wonder if anyone realizes our government managed to create an opium war right here at home. I will hope and pray your youngest avoids the worst of the pain pill journey. There are ways to step off that particular train ride before it ends in a wreck of everyone’s lives. I’ll pray yours ends well.
And if he saw this one, I hope he talked to his daughter(s) about the painkillers. Over the years I think painkillers have become the natural stash for Mother’s Little Helper at parents’ medicine cabinet.
Rest in peace, Muck. No heartache for you now; and no agonizing pain for Annette. Only joy in the moonlight.
Muck, I salute you and your marriage of 62 years. Remember, her good will not be interred with her bones. It will live on in you. Pass it on. Keep the faith.
It was much the same with my Poppa Grooch when his beloved Marge passed. Even though they’d lived “apart” due to physical and mental stresses for over a year (details are about greed and estate law ‘nuf said), his heart was broken when he learned she’d died. He mustered for about two or three months, putting a bright face on being the new widower about the Assisted Living Center. And, then, like all valiant soldiers who know what to do when it is time, he faded away in a selfless act of love for his son and myself, hoping to see Marie (his Momma) even if Marge refused to sit by him.
I am sure Muck’s family and TBP family have fond and amusing memories. I know I do, but I will not contribute more at this time.
Today I got a phone text from my sister, about my mother who is 92 and has shuttled between the nursing home and the hospital for the last year and more:
“Mom may not make it to tomorrow”.
Passing this along to my wife I texted her:
“My sorrows gather as a flock”.
My workload probably won’t let me get there anytime soon; I may not make the funeral.
All this is to say: we are all there with you, in form if not substance; it is not that our time is limited but that the time of those we love is limited, that is so hard to bear.
But bear it we must, and bear it we will; reality does not bend to our desires. So I must bend to reality, and make the choices I must live with, even as I weep.
Strength to you, and patience, and companionship and understanding, as life becomes challenging once again. I wish you a long stretch of straight road, without pains and sorrows, for a while.
jimbo, you’ll miss your own funeral with the workload. Your using it as an excuse. What if you were sick with the flu, would the workload come first? moran. (still love you, though)
EC
And I have a family whose bills, along with mine, I must pay. My sister put me on the phone with my mother a short time ago; I have no idea if she heard a word (she said none) but I tried. I hope her last days are peaceful, she certainly deserves it.
Moran I am indeed, but no longer a brawny 24-year-old with no cares and no fears; if I lose a gig at my age I may never get another one, and who will keep us fed? My cancer-survivor wife? My English-major child, who salary keeps her afloat as long as she lives in my basement? My son, not yet out of college?
I would take off this minute if I could without hurting my family, the same kind of problem Muck has. Once I retire (ever?) I can do this, but Mom isn’t going to last long at any rate, certainly not long enough for me to get back across seven states to reach her.
We all have our choices to make; I often wish for better choices to be available.
The long-distance choices are hard ones. I hear you.
From one James to another,try and see your mom.I at moment have been dealing with a lot of me own mums health issues along with a Aunt who recently died,the list is endless.That said,go if just the weekend ect.,hell,tis a $ thing with ill family can get cheap flights,still a money thing I allow admin. to give ya’s my e-mail address,will send you 50 towards a ticket,perhaps others could help out.As a James I have fucked up many times/regretted not doing certain things,trying to see another James not do the same if at all workable.
Your kindness is incredibly thoughtful, but I have missed my chance already …. see below. Blessings on you and yours.
I try not to agree with you much, but…
“Mom is suffering no more”. My sorrows gather …
Am hoping peace for you and for everyone involved…
Damn,did not see that post.James,sorry to hear about your mum and perhaps she and Annette will laugh at us and our postings in the next chapter in life wondering what all the fuss is about,take care of yourself and family and all as you head to better days in the future,peace.
JamesTDW
So sorry about your mother, it is all just so damned hard to go through. In conversations with you, I am aware of the tribulations you have endured. Sorry you must face another. BL
She lived a long and generally positive life, with a husband who loved her, five kids who all miss her already, an involved social career (Girl Scout and Cub Scout leader, taught home economics (essentially) as a county program to poor folks, cooked-cleaned-laundered by the ton, chauffeured daily to band-chorus-Scouts & similar; pushed, pulled and poked as necessary to make things happen as needed). She had friends (outlived 98% of them), grew vegetables, was an extra set of hands for my dad the mechanical engineer; went with him to Saudi Arabia for seven years, made lifelong friends from that internationally. She had a good life.
I will miss her forever.
A lovely sentiment well written.
And in one short essay Muck reminds all of us what is truly important.
Muckster…….having endured quite a bit of loss myself over the last 14 months I have been thinking of you often since learning of your sweet wife’ s passing. Over the decade plus I’ve spent here I am familiar with your love and devotion for her. Nothing can or will replace her but she lives on within you. This year marks my own 30th anniversary and I can’t imagine life without my own sweetie.
All I can offer is to find someplace beautiful to wander or simply sit and ponder the wonder of it all. There’s something about wild, open spaces that just calm the mind. That and just keep putting one foot in front of the other. All my best to you sir!
I’m Sorry to hear this sad news. I often think, and sometimes my wife jokingly asks what I would do if she were gone. Honestly the thought of it is terrifying to me. Stay strong. Walk proud. Dedicate your life to your kids and grandchildren. I still feel the pain of my Moms death. That was ten years ago. The heartfelt comments from all the folks here is a welcome change from the struggle of all the issues going on today and proof that as human beings that we care about each other and what is really important. God bless you and your family.
“sometimes my wife jokingly asks what I would do if she were gone …”
Get completely lost occasionally (she’s the navigator, I’m the pilot).
Eat awful food, because she’s the (FAR better) cook
Dress like a refugee (I have no sense of fashion or style)
Get arrested for disturbing the peace (She’s the peacemaker)
Live in a jungle (she likes yard work far more, and is more reliable)
Go broke faster (she minds the books)
….and that’s just off the top of my head!
I’m so sorry Stucky. Losing someone isn’t something you get OVER, it’s something you get through.
The tide recedes but leaves behind bright seashells on the sand,
the sun goes down but gentle warmth still lingers on the land.
The music stops yet echoes on in sweet refrains-
for everything that passes, something beautiful remains.
Did I say Muck should get “OVER” it? Nope. And I didn’t imply it either.
First, my take on death is influenced by the many people I know who have buried their children. Step back a moment and realize how asshole-ish you have to be to criticize someone’s condolences.
My wife of 40+ years has told me on a number of occasions that when we get to the end of our run she wants to go first. I have never given that a whole lot of deep thought until now. I expect she realizes that she will feel the same as you have described your feelings and thoughts in this post. I’m truly sorry for your loss it must be excruciatingly hard to come to grips with especially in the near term.
There is always purpose in life and I’m sure you will find what your purpose is without your life mate at your side.
My mother spends winters in Cottonwood, which seems like a perfect place to reflect and figure things out surrounded by natures beauty. Wishing you the best and improved health so you can have many more years of contribution to family and community.
My heart goes out to you, man.
Muck,
Have never posted here but your comments moved me. Relationships and how you affected other people transcend everything else in life. It sounds like you and Annette shared a great life, I am sorry for your loss my friend.
God bless you, i enjoy your writings.
I am sorry for your loss, and I wish you congratulations on your part of a successful marriage, increasingly rare. The evidence of that success is all around you, and my wishes are for you to continue to find wonder in this world.
Thank you for all of the minutes, looking forward to more.
Muck, I can feel your pain and wish I could somehow lessen it. I’ve been at the hospice bedside in recent years, so I know what that is like. The Medical Industrial Complex has its own agenda, which is not necessarily a patient’s agenda. Could write much more but this is probably not the space.
I married later in life, so it is hard for me to imagine being without a partner whom I’ve had for the whole of my adulthood. This is the case for a friend with a terminal disease who married in High School. They finish each other’s sentences.. the riffs and the banter are well-worn routines, while my spouse and I are still working that stuff out after a mere 18 years.
I appreciate your “Moments” and hope to see at least a few more. Seems like that is another “responsibility”!
As a fellow cancer “survivor” I know the ambiguous feelings surrounding treatments and second shoes waiting to drop. I’m also not a religionist, but I like the Buddhist suggestion of “non-attachment to outcome”. I think the Western world is very much addicted to an idea of Control which we just do not have in this life.
So do things because you want to; because they are enjoyable, or kind, or for whatever reason.. just don’t worry about the resolutions because you have no control over those. You don’t have absolute control over your daughter, any more than you had absolute control over what was going on in your wife’s organism, health-wise. You can only offer that of which you’re willing and capable to the universe and then let go (imo).
Muck,
My sincerest sympathies to you and your family.
My wife and I’ll will celebrate 43 years on the 7th and compared to you and Annette we’re still just pups at this.
When our times come I’ll pray the strength of our love and the memories we created will sustain the other regardless of who goes first.
Those should be your anchors now as the waves of grief and loss wash over you. They’ll eventually recede and become less tumultuous, but the love and memories won’t. Hang in their and Annette will always be around you and just a thought away. God bless.
@BOT: What lovely sentiment and I can only hope that they come true. Most people have promised that time and patience will slowly lessen the vicious pain and loneliness that greets me every morning as she is not beside me in the evening to tucks me into bed with a kiss every night.
We will see.
I have already made a tentative decision on further treatment for the lymphoma I am afflicted with. Should it come back yet a third time, I will merely take palliative treatment for it – keep the pain to a minimum – but no active chemo or mono-clonal- antibody treatment either.
Sure, I talk brave now but when it starts hurting in spite of the pain killers, it’ll be another story.
Muck
“It’s a lot easier said than done to toss aside 62 years of responsibility, throw in the towel and just walk away from it. I can’t do it. ”
You’re not tossing anything aside Muck. It’s just that YOUR role has changed now same as it would have for your dear wife had you passed first. You wouldn’t want her moping around and miserable and I doubt she’d want you to be miserable pining for her. Find something to do that would have made her smile and soldier on. Or, find something a bit mischievous and fun to do that you might not have if she were still here. Live a little while you still have some life in you. Slip into your own grave flat broke with one foot on a banana peel and a big ‘ol shit eatin’ grin on your face.
Muck, I’m sorry to hear about your loss. God bless you and help you through your pain.
/salute
C S Lewis said with great love comes great grief, or something like that.
I’m so sorry you lost the love of your life. I can’t imagine losing mine. But I am glad that you had a love of your life for 62 years. That is a treasure that some people are never able to find.
Grief is different for everyone. We must all suffer through it in some way unless we lock our hearts in a box and shut everyone around us out. Love is a risk worth taking, isn’t it?
I hope you found some measure of solace from the comments. Obviously you are a treasure here.
Take care.
Muck
It’s hard to offer you another condolence that doesn’t echo something already said, but I thank you for sharing so honestly about your experience. You feel cut loose from the moorings that anchor us in life: a lifetime loving mate, a settled home, a diminished sense of purpose. This is a very painful transition, but as others have said, there is still some joy to be found in the time spent with loved ones, in nature, and in whatever creative endeavors of man that you enjoy. I hope every day feels a little easier instead of a little harder. You are blessed to have such wonderful memories of a lifetime with Annette. I hope you will continue to share your journey with us in 57 and 58 at least. Peace and love to you.