Tag: CNN is a joke

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CNN Reports On ‘Deadly Boat Accident’ At Pearl Harbor

Via The Babylon Bee

HONOLULU, HI—CNN and other mainstream news outlets are reporting on a “tragic, completely accidental” boating accident at Pearl Harbor. As details still come in, CNN is urging people to not rush to judgment or assign blame until the story goes away in a few days.

“Such a tragic and completely accidental boating accident,” said one news anchor. “The thing that’s so sad about it is the tragic, totally random accidentalness of it. Our hearts are with the victims and whatever. Anyway, in other news…”

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THEY HAVE NO SHAME OR LINES THEY WON’T CROSS

CNN publicizing mentally ill parents using their child to further a warped insane agenda. THIS IS CNN.

CNN Condemns D-Day Soldiers For Lack Of Diversity

Via The Babylon Bee

ATLANTA, GA—Everyone was really happy that the Allied forces stopped Hitler. Everyone, that is, except CNN, who published a retrospective on the war this week, zeroing in on the real issue of Operation Overlord: no gay female trans POCs in any of the units.

While most people were really grateful that Hitler was defeated, despite the U.S. military’s wider segregation issues at the time, most people are not as woke as CNN, who condemned the entire operation as racist and xenophobic.

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Airport Revenues Soar After Allowing Travelers To Pay To Turn Off CNN

Via The Babylon Bee

WORLD—Airports around the world are reporting record revenues after introducing a long-awaited feature: the ability to turn off CNN on television sets in their terminals.

For just one quarter, you can turn off CNN for a full fifteen minutes while you’re waiting for your flight, leaving you with the “far superior” experience of just staring at a blank screen.

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CNN Anchors Speechless After Guest Goes On Long, Coherent Thought

NEW YORK—CNN Anchors Brooke Baldwin and Dana Bash reportedly sat speechless Thursday after their guest Dr. Gina Jimenez went on a long, coherent thought, unleashing a tirade of articulate points completely relevant to the topic at hand.

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CNN Tries To Move Forward After Its Latest Humiliation

Guest Post by Kurt Schlichter

“Ladies, gentlemen, and non-binary beings who refuse to be forced into one or more specific genders,” began CNN Worldwide President Jeff Zucker, employing the network’s prescribed group salutation. “I have gathered you all today here in the CNN newsroom to discuss this Anthony Scaramucci Russia story we retracted and how it has had a negative impact on our network’s sterling reputation for journalistic integrity and objectivity. Hey, pay attention! Stop laughing!”

The room quieted down. Even Don Lemon looked up from the bar, where he was mixing a cosmopolitan.

“Listen, people….,” Zucker began.

“I identify as an otherkin and that’s humanocentric!” shouted a producer dressed in a bright blue fox costume. The network was rightfully proud of its “a-furry-mative action” outreach to the marginalized furry and brony communities.

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